La vulnérabilité des choses précieuses est belle parce que la vulnérabilité est une marque d’existence.

Something of value is vulnerable and helpless, and it's beautiful. Because their weakness is a sign of their existence.

Simone Weil
La Pesanteur et Grâce（Coincidences）

This article contains information on suicide.

Weil wrote in a letter to Gustave Dupont: ‘The right way to write a text is to write it as if you were translating it …… and not to add anything to it.

It is a pen without hesitation that always seems to have an idea (Plato) and is not swept away by the images that spread from the text. I too try to cut out the useless. I couldn’t write everything, no matter how sad it was and no matter how much hatred there was. Even if what I want to convey is painful, even if it is my own voice, I look at what is useless. What you really want to leave behind, like a ‘poem’, will be left in the trail of the scraped-off pieces. It is one of God’s graces – ‘time’ – that must be obtained for healing. It is a lonely task in the extreme, but the joys and sorrows born of it are a given.

I was told that I could read a book before the death of a nun（仏教）. At the time I did not think much of the fact that she had sought salvation from Catholicism before she was ordained. It was in the Church that she first opened her eyes and sought salvation in her predicament. But, contrary to Catholic doctrine, which abandoned my child to adultery, she was rejected. Even after her ordination, she remained popular for her humorous take on human problems. I was encouraged to go to her after the accident in 2018 by an older person who respected her and was also a writer. In fact, when I was accepted, she politely refused because I was a Catholic.

She was my last line of communication and afterwards, in the cold February weather, I kept asking myself. (2019)

At the time, I was disturbed by the left-wing activities and opulence of my own church, but the other faithful liked the priest so much that That priest is a good man. You forget him. So I tried to go back to no religion. It is true that I talk more with my friends when I am not religious. Talking about shopping, it is more ‘normal’ in Japan to buy luxury brands every day. They are even respected for their wealth. Still, my days became empty. I began to hate myself. And although I wanted to ask for help, I had forgotten how to ask for it. It was in the early summer of 2019 that I started thinking about suicide for the second time. My second decision was because I couldn’t go back to being non-religious. Establishing themselves as writers. I decided that I would be treated as ‘crazy’ in this country. If that was confirmed, I could stand as a religious person, but that was no longer the case. I am just a mad, ordinary person. The breakdown of the negotiations with this nun accelerated things. When you are in a tight spot, you gradually stop looking for reconciliation of souls. In fact, as was the case with me, PTSD caused me to lose my memory several times during my first suicide attempt in 2018. It’s as if the floor is oiled and the thoughts can’t get up and slide away. People in distress are in distress and the words that come out of their bodies are sometimes incoherent. I who cannot speak well, I who have reduced intelligence, me who……　That is why my ugliness was the trauma of secondary damage.

During my time in the convalescent home, I was also encouraged by friends not to live as a Christian, but to stay at the level of liking the Bible as a hobby. I knew that this would be better for me in Japan. But I could not find anything affirming in the non-religious world. When I look for arguments for soul and holiness instead of income and work, I find that the non-religious are all a mishmash of other religions. There is nothing original. Still, something was missing for me that most Japanese could live with in a way that made sense to them.

I kept running away from my faith. I was also looking for ‘normalcy as a Japanese’. But last year (2020), the Catholic Church and the bishops helped me when I was in trouble. In retrospect, they accepted this bishop even though they would not have had the advantage of accepting me at that time. That was a step in my conversion on the way to God.

I decided to take a step on the path of repentance.

A series of ‘coincidences’ becomes destiny. People want to eliminate them as much as possible, but coincidences are born.

I think that the ‘theology of liberation’, which originated in South American Catholicism, is necessary. Neither the clergy nor the laity should be the gate that closes the gap between a person in need and Jesus. It is only in times of need that the soul tries to leave. The great reconciliation of the wounded takes time.

I tried to focus on Jesus Christ because, unlike other studies, he was the equal, apart from religious groups.

Other disciplines are constantly exposed to absurdities. And they are subject to the reputation of society, even though they also affirm their own existence. Who can say “I am I”? If you can’t, you check yourself in the ‘mirror’ of others. I has no need of that. He has only loyalty and that is who I am
. With this I can be an investment, I can enter into society, even if it is painful, and I can make sense of it. No other study or life can be achieved in the same way. If I am poor, I cannot even open a book. Other religions have barriers because of different races. But the word of the Bible was accessible without money. I think this is unique. Christianity is not absolute, but I was so poor. Not just my heart, but everything was poor. But I could still love the world because of Jesus Christ, who showed me the way to love and live. Jesus said to the man who could not walk. Without any treatment, he said to the man, ‘You can stand. What is faith after baptism?

That’s what it means.

The clergy have hurt us a lot. However.
Faith exists in the words of Jesus: ‘Stand up’.

Of course, the ugliness of the religious community does not erase my own loyalty to Jesus.

I thought God gives you time to find out. Vaguely given time is inorganic, but God-given time was certain. Knowing weakness and struggling to reconcile the soul is God-given time. My weakness was ‘proof of existence’.

postscript

I met a priest who teaches ecclesiastical law.
So I was saved even more.