My dissertation at university ( UK ) was on personality forms and child psychology. It depends on the case that personality is a mind. The foundation of the human personality is the view of life and death, religion, thought, family, lover, friend, companion, work, but life events, accidents, drugs and alcohol can give momentum to suicide.
According to a paper published in the US in 2006
In 2006, the United States published a landmark paper which argued that life events begin at the core of personality development and lead to death when safeguards fail, but what safeguards? What safeguards work? Is it society, family, companionship, or is there a kind of immunity to the stages of personality development when these fail?
The first story, “Pangaea doll”, was a novel that followed these studies. What I did not try to prove in my thesis, my youth and my impulse made me think that this could be a suitable fantasy world.
I was young and impulsive, and I started to write.
However, as this work was written ten years ago, I knew that the memories and experiences of my childhood and school days were fading away, and although I could not establish a causal relationship between feelings and experiences, I had the feeling that my current experiences would disappear as I grew up, for better or worse. I decided to write it down as a specimen of memory.
In the midst of a series of monologue points of view that seemed to be real experiences, I was enthusiastic about writing something based on experiences, an adaptation, a “reality” that was not of this world. Not non-fiction, but fiction that resembles the real world, and I don’t remember what my impulse was. The records of those days seem to have disappeared. ( unauthorized login )
But the literary world has always been a cross between capitalism and communism. Education is so focused on ” cannot read ” that it loses sight of the meaning of the story. If they complain even a little, they are attacked by the basic average of capitalism, and if it’s like communism, their sensibility will never grow in the lukewarm atmosphere. Nevertheless, the reason why he entered the world of writing as an artist, changing his means many times from music to painting, is probably because art was the thing that touched the world from the loneliness he had conceived in the stage of his personality formation. As for music, my hands were not big enough to play the piano. It hurt me a lot as a young child to know that I would eventually reach the end of my life, even if I ran up the grade test. It wasn’t that anyone could hurt me, it was fate. I came to understand the impressionist sense of Colour at a time when my developed sense of absolute pitch was sparse. The fusion of the science of the colours of the sun with the world of introspection was my final impetus. I don’t remember the pure feelings I had at that time, but I do remember writing the Pangaea doll. A phrase that kept repeating itself to me: ” Thinking time begins to revolve faster than old age, it never stands still. It turns left, it turns right, it does not let my consciousness stay irregularly” (p.13) This line is my record.
I had to be silent because I had no way of expressing myself, and it was I who got the language to express myself.
In this work, too, there is such an undifferentiated protagonist who is unsteady on her feet. After all, I was silent on how to market myself. Regardless of how my career was received by the public, I was still young at the time, and this work on suicide gave me a lot to think about. I didn’t know why I wrote it, it didn’t fit in with the change of heart for the next one, and I didn’t introduce the first one to anyone for ten years. I have been waiting for a kind of ” prescription ” to talk about what I saw in the university research team, but the experience of that time is becoming forgettable. One of my patients at that time was the model for the ” Doll-like girl ” of this film, but I used only one element because her background was very similar to my own.
Already my conception was the first to connect the word “prescription” with the word “prescription”, which means a legal prescription.
Once I had given hope to a few readers, I found it harder to write about despair. I got the recognition I wanted, but it strangled me even more.
It became my task to see what kind of “Chris Kyogetu” I could become in this situation.
Literature, like self-improvement, does not offer immediate answers. Like the Bible, it has to be read many times and deeply formed in the inner world. It has been the same in my life. There is no immediate answer to what someone says to us. It goes on and on about how an experience becomes one’ s memory and leads to one’ s personality. I found myself not asking myself the same questions anymore. That’s when it dawned on me. I was ” Old “.
Although my reasons for quitting painting were complex, I got into trouble with adults when I said I wanted to paint Christian paintings. This was the golden age of Manga and anime, but realistic painting was still superior. Nowadays, the themes, the framework and the perspective are so advanced that they cannot be considered as illustrations, but at that time they still had their faults. Yet, the aftershocks of my youth made me realize that the question of whether or not it would “pay off” had already become a manga. I was also convinced that this would be the case in the future. Drawing seemed to confront me with real motifs, and I felt that it was a reversal of the escape from reality of a couple of days or a week. Painting is a form of self-expression. Painting is self-expression, it is meaningless if it does not represent your world. I was aware that I was losing what I wanted to express. So he found Christian painting. While I was reproduction Caravaggio’s St. Thomas ＆ St Matthew series, I decided that I wanted to paint Jesus and the saints, even in abstract. He was insistent Caravaggio compared himself to the vocation of St Matthew. He was convinced that God would one day shine a light on his inner world to which no one else could respond.
But at that time I needed reconciliation with others, so I left the painting behind. I left Japan wondering when I would be able to convince people, but I quit trying to convince people.
From the two-dimensional world, I have been creating small worlds again and again. From music scores, to canvases.to a canvas. And now I live in the two-dimensional world of writing. No matter how ambitious I was, no matter how many times I overlooked something, made a small mistake, thought I had done the right thing, the abyss no longer responded. It didn’t have to be literature, did it? I quietly went back to my career to find suitable employment and to start writing my dissertation, but I still clung to the idea of writing one more piece of “literature”. My conversion to Catholicism is part of this.
My reasons for wanting to write literature are long. I reckon I will listen a little more to what my long soliloquy wants.
The first one, Pangaea doll, which I kept hidden and didn’t even love to be ashamed of.
On the last page, I leave these words.
I promise you that we will be together forever. To a future that will never be seen.
In the warmth of everything we feel, which runs faster than words.
To the illusion of eternity, long and far away. And we’ll cross this line together”
The sprint of the young me, when I was the spokesman for the young me.
The past spoke to me. The role of this novel was to be a safeguard for me.
The light that penetrated the many sarcastic words and the great shadows was inside me.” Give us proof”, “Give us proof”, “Give us proof that you can do it”, it was undoubtedly my own voice that was screaming more strongly than the voices of others. Hope and despair were all in my possession. My voice was the pinnacle and death was always at my side. The desire to die was always there. Pity, envy, cursing…
The reality was always chaos, and all I could see was silence.
And yet, back then, I had the strength to avoid the darkness. I’m not sure if I still have it, but I’d like to bet again.
To enjoy life is to bet. If you don’t gamble anymore, life may as well be death. The taunts and the criticisms are the living dead who have stopped betting. In Dante’s Inferno, the poor soul who cannot even enter hell
Poor souls. Do we need to ask? No, you don’t.
Heaven doesn’t want that kind of power.
The heroine, Shoko Sato, suffers from an unexplained illness. She was wandering in illusion and fiction, but her boyfriend found the name of the disease. It was “Pangaea Syndrome”. It was a disease that caused her to have similar illusions and thoughts, and in the end to commit suicide.
Her past begins with a monologue. The ideas that emerged were always unvirgin and had already been written by someone else. Like Borges’s “Library of Babel”, there was always someone who had shown her the idea.
Gradually the protagonist sees the light as well as the despair. Her finds the light of death, but the fantasy world he has cultivated speaks to him. The fantasy world invites either death or life to unfold in the world of writing.
Thoughts 10 years after publication
I waited for the prescription with silence.
The laboratory was visited by patients for whom science could not explain.
Patients for whom there was no evidence, and this was my connection to my inner world.
A story that was said to be difficult to understand.
The presence of this doll-like girl grew in me and pointed me to an endless fantasy world, as if she were the guide of my life.
I focused more on sensitivity than on dialogue with people. In the midst of being hated, loved and loving, in the midst of being unable to resist oblivion, while remembering, the overflowing imagination and remembrance diminished. Quitting running, I found myself asleep. It was a long time before I felt like writing again.
Suicide process Diagram: H et al ,The American Journal of Psychiatry 2006