Next Work Ⅰ (English)

Nagi Tukika

The doctor said to me, “Gradually it will become possible to see. The light moved without being able to decide where to stay, and tried to create space, but the shapes were dreaming too much in my heart, and I was afraid of waking up. Outside is a nightmare, or is it possible to wake up?

 The emotional conflict inside of the shadows and the light seemed to overwhelm me.

Outline

I am left with the memory that I was blind. When I say, ” touching the world,” it’ s not a metaphor. It is a recurring memory of the day I was blind and could see for the first time. And yet, the emotion of “that day” when I could see has faded, and this memory is like a stranger.

I wonder if I’ve come back to life or am I a stranger.

On a summer’s day the painter contemplated death, and on a winter’s day the writer found the body of a musician. Fleeing footprints were burst shot by the photographer.

By the way, where you were “that day”?

From the Author.

As for my own experience, there was a six-year period when I couldn’t write since my last publication (2016). Then I structured the novel in seven chapters based on the seven days of Creation in Genesis.

Publication schedule: Winter 2022 – Spring 2023

Language: Japanese and English

English version may be requested from a translator.

I adapted this photograph to show the protagonist, who experienced a past of blindness, repeating his/her memories. “The emotional conflict inside of the shadows and the light seemed to overwhelm me“

Photo by

Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince (English)

"Bring me the two most precious things in the city,"
The Happy Prince- Oscar Wilde

Prometheus took the fire from the heavens and gave it to humanity. For that, Zeus punished him. Both he and Jesus loved the human. In Greek mythology and in Jesus, the divine beings who gave their love to mankind were punished. The Happy Prince would be Wilde’s most Christian work, with the hope of converting him to Catholicism. Retarded on his way to Egypt, the swallow attempted to rest at the feet of the prince’s statue. Then the statue of the prince wept――.

The reason the swallow was 6 weeks after the others was because he was in love.

He asked her Shall I love you? She nodded yes. “Will you come away with me?” he said finally to her; but the Reed shook her head, she was so attached to her home. She was making out with the wind. The swallows said goodbye and went away.

Before his birth, the prince was beautiful like an angel. He was called the ” Happy Prince ” and became a statue. The prince, who did not know the outside of its walls, passed away happy.

When the prince found himself outside the walls, he despaired of the poverty and lowliness of the world. The prince asked the swallows to take to the poor the jewels and gold which decorated him.

At last, the prince had nothing left to give. The swallows were exhausted. The swallow finally kissed the prince and they both died. The prince’s body was melted, but for some reason his heart was not melted, so that he was discarded with the corpses of the swallows. God said, “Bring me the two most precious things in the city,” An angel picked the two souls and led them to the kingdom of heaven. In the picture books I read in my childhood, the love of swallows in the first half of the story and the Christianity of the last half were omitted.

The scene of poor people on a winter day reminds us of Andersen “the little match girl”, but the happy prince has a match-selling girl. The last person the swallows give the gold foil to is the matchgirl. Swallows are monogamous and raise their youngsters in couples. Swallows transport their food over 100 times, so this story makes ecological sense.

It is believed that the prince, who had never known outside the walls, died and never became an adult because he remained a prince, a title he held. Oscar Wilde also refers to children’s sacredness in his other book, The Selfish Giant. The giant had a lovely garden among its walls. With the giant gone, the children came to play. When the giants found them, they sent the children away. Then Spring stopped coming to the garden. The giants let the children in. This suggests a profound belief that children will go into the kingdom of heaven, as we have read in Matthew 18:3-5.

If you imagine a swallow flying around for the poor, the image recalls a street and a space. Time is a space, the analogy of Bergson appeared to indicate. Time is not linear, nor is it ephemeral. The flight of the swallows is repetitive, linear, planar. The swallows and the prince lived in an interior time different from the “exterior” time of the adults who had the prince who had lost his ornaments. Their kind-hearted deeds are different from the regular time. It is durée pure; They lived in the ambivalence of transmutation and preservation. How difficult and costly it is to love a human being. This is demonstrated by the description of the impoverished town and its inhabitants.

The prince was wealth itself. It was too big to share with the people. That’s why he needed the little swallows to get past a like needle hole. As it is more difficult for the wealthy to enter the kingdom of heaven than to go through the eye of a needle (Matthew 19:24), they begin their preparation for the narrow gate. (Luke 13:23,24) But the prince said to the swallows that misery was not a mystery. They will be carried by angels.

A most beautiful soul.

When the pure presence of the soul appears in the world of writing, a light comes into view.

It was as if, with the association of dawn in the mind, the beautiful sunrise revealed the presence of God. That the self-serving dialogue of the poor streets would fade into the distance;Our immersion rises into the kingdom of heaven.

When I was a little girl, I never wanted to be a stopped swallow;I wanted to be the swallow that ignored the prince and flew to warmer ground. But I realized what it meant to be a swallow that had nowhere else to fly but Sacred love.I thought of the Japanese words of prayer before Communion: Leaving you behind, who will I go to?

Bergson

Oscar Wilde – The Happy Prince

Bible Christianity 

備考(Note)

Leaving you behind, who will I go to? Japanese Mass

my soul shall be healed English Mass

参考資料 Reference

『Brief Lives: Oscar Wilde』by Richard Canning Hesperus Press Ltd.

Essai sur les données immédiates de la conscience Henri-Louis Bergson

Satoshi Kon

The post Satoshi Kon appeared first on Unclearer. Satos…

Satoshi Kon

Das Nachtpfauenauge(English)

I was tormented not so much because I had stolen, but because I had damaged a beautiful moth. ”So that's who you are” Hermann Hesse "Schmetterlinge"(Das Nachtpfauenauge)

 A specimen of a living thing, as a butterfly, is not a living entity, but remains essential. Specimens are available both as research material and as objects of taste. For Heinrich, it was a favorite hobby. For Heinrich, it was a favorite hobby. The story is so famous that it appears in Japanese textbooks, in a chapter of Hermann Hesse’s short story “Das Nachtpfauenauge” (Schmetterlinge) (1911). The guest in the first person “I” is Heinrich Mohr, and most of the story is about the man’s memories. The book consists of nine pieces of prose on the subject of butterflies and moths by Hermann Hesse, eleven poems and one post-scriptum by writer Volker Micheles.

Heinrich started collecting butterflies and was captivated by them when he was ten years old in his second year of collection. The mere sight of a butterfly was enough to send him into a state of ecstasy and he had no choice but to keep his collection in an old cardboard box. However, his friends put them in nice display cases for specimens, and he gradually ceased to show them to his friends and began to show them only to his sister.

He succeeds in catching the rare ‘Apatura metis’. He spreads the wings and completes the specimen in a ball box. He wants to show it to the neighboring boy, his is Emile. The boy was the son of a school teacher and lived in the neighbourhood. Although its specimens were few themselves, unlike Heinrich, the specimens of Emil were magnificent. And he had a high level of expertise in the production and restoration of specimens. Heinrich was jealous of him, but he was an admirer. Heinrich showed Emil the Apatura Metis and, in the beginning, praised them. However, he noted various shoddy management practices. Then he stopped showing them to Emil. Two years later, Emil was hearsay that he had picked up “Das Nachtpfauenauge”.

Heinrich learned through hearsay that he had collected “Das Nachtpfauenauge. It was the moth that Heinrich had been pining for. He went to the house next door and knocked, but there was no answer from Emil.  He went into the room without permission to see the moth, and saw. Das Nachtpfauenauge”  This moth was so beautiful that he forgot about it and stole it. He soon came to his senses and returned the moth to his room, but it had lost its form.

When Heinrich went back to Emile’s, he found Emile telling him someone had broken his Das Nachtpfauenauge. Wishing to have attempted to restore “Das Nachtpfauenauge” to the best of its ability, but in vain. Heinrich apologized, but Emil, did not forgive him or get angry,

He said ”So that’s who you are” and He despises.

Emil said the botched management of Heinrich’s butterflies seemed like the essence of who he was.

When Heinrich returned home, his mother was kind to him, but he crushed the butterfly and moth specimens he had collected with his fingers.

The specimens of butterflies and moths existed as essences, while they had a form, but in broken them, the essence and the phenomenon became confluents. A specimen is only significant when there is a form. Emile’s argument was essential. A Specimen of butterfly preserved only by feelings and passions was unworthy of existence. ” Must be beautiful,” Heinrich understands the meaning of the word. Because butterflies and moths are dead twice. The first death for the specimen, the second death for Heinrich’s ego, He couldn’t even keep the first death alive, which would have eroded his self-worth as a collector.

When an association of ideas takes up residence in the psyche in the form of a parasite, it becomes detached and isolated in the psyche when it grows up. Heinrich never collected any more butterflies.

If he hadn’t spoken to Emile before he broke Emile’s specimens and before he entered the house without permission? the boy’s heart would have been purely in collecting butterflies.

It is impossible to come back to this passion. He won’t be able to go back.

The passion for butterflies and moths was one of the things which made Heinrich’s personality so beloved. But the personality of the beloved child always became sinful when Emil’s despised came to mind.

Where’s the broken butterflies now?

When reminded of that, he could not avoid the ugliness of his past. But it is something that is not inherently to be feared. That is how boys accumulate to become adults.

Leaving behind the touch of scales, the phenomenon beat wings and became Heinrich’s metaphysical form.

That’s just like a specimen.

ーーーーーーーーー

Philosophy “Essence” and “Phenomena”

「少年の日の思い出」


盗みを犯してしまったという気持ちよりも、自分が壊してしまった美しい蛾の姿に苦しめられていた。
そうそう、君はそういう人なの

ヘルマン・ヘッセ「少年の日の思い出」

 蝶のように生物の標本とは、生の実体ではないが本質として残る。研究としての資料でもあり、嗜好品としても存在する。ハインリッヒにとっては嗜好品だったといえるだろう。この話は日本の教科書にも載っているほど有名な話だが、ヘルマン・ヘッセSchmetterlinge「蝶」の短編集Das Nachtpfauenauge(クジャクヤママユ)」(1911年)の章である。邦題は「少年の日の思い出」となっている。一人称「私」のお客さんがハインリッヒ・モーアであり、物語の殆どがその男の思い出話である。ヘルマン・ヘッセの蝶と蛾を主題とした散文九編、詩十一編、編者Volker Michelesのあとがきによって構成されている。

 蝶の採集を始めたハインリッヒは、二年目の十歳で虜となる。蝶を見るだけで恍惚状態となり、採集をするが彼は古いボール箱に保管するしかなかった。しかし、友人達は標本用の綺麗なガラスケースに入れてくるので、彼は次第に友人らに見せるのを止めて、妹だけに見せるようになる。彼は珍しい「コムラサキ」を捕ることに成功する。展翅し、ボール箱の標本を完成させる。彼は隣の少年、エーミールに見せたいと思った。その少年は、庭を隔てたところに住んでいる学校の先生の息子だった。標本の数自体は少ないが、ハインリッヒとは違って、彼の標本は美しかった。そして彼は標本作りや修復の高度な技術を持っていて、ハインリッヒは彼を妬ましいと思いながらも、感嘆としていた。

ハインリッヒは、エーミールにコムラサキを見せたら、最初は褒めてくれた。しかし、色々と管理が杜撰なことを指摘される。それ以降、彼はエーミールに標本を見せなくなった。やがてエーミールが二年後、「クジャクヤママユ」を採取したと、耳に入る。それはハインリッヒが恋焦がれていたものだった。彼は隣の家に行ってノックをしたが、エーミールの返事がなかった。そしてあの蛾を見たいと勝手に部屋に入って、「クジャクヤママユ」の美しさに忘我し、盗んでしまった。すぐに良心に目覚めて、引き返して蛾を戻したが、蛾は形を失ってしまった。壊れてしまったのだ。

 家に帰り、母親に打ち明けると怒鳴って怒ることはなかったが、エーミールに謝罪するように言われる。ハインリッヒはエーミールの家に戻ったら、エーミールはクジャクヤママユが何者かによって壊されたと騒いでいた。彼はクジャクヤママユを最善の修復を施そうとしていたがダメだった様子が伺えた。

ハインリッヒは謝罪をするが、エーミールは彼を許すとも怒ることもなく、

「そうそう、君ってそういう人なの」

と言って軽蔑的な目で見る。

エーミールは、ハインリッヒの杜撰な蝶の管理が彼の本質かのように語った。

帰宅後、ハインリッヒは母親に優しくはされたが、今まで集めて来た蝶や蛾の標本を指で潰していくのだった。

蝶や蛾の標本は、形がある間は本質として存在していたが、壊してしまうことで本質と現象が渾然とする。概念、思惑の中に蛾の面影が溶けていった。標本のようなものは、存在でしか意味がない。エーミールの指摘は本質観取だった。気持ちや、情熱だけで保存された蝶の標本は存在価値が無かった。「美しくなければならない」ハインリッヒはまざまざとその意味を理解する。何故なら、蝶と蛾は二度死ぬのだ。標本のための死、それからハインリッヒのエゴによる死、ハインリッヒは一度目の死を生かすことすら出来なかった。それが収集家であった彼の自尊心が削られる。

観念連合の集まりが寄生という形で精神に住み着いては、成長しても精神の中で切り離されて孤立する。ハインリッヒは蝶の収集は恐らくそれ以降することはなかったようだ。エーミールの標本を壊す前、家に勝手に入る前、エーミールに声かけなかったとすれば、少年の心には純粋に蝶を採集する姿があった。あの当時の情熱に純粋に返ることも抽出することも出来ない。一度壊したものは戻らない。蝶・蛾への情熱、ハインリッヒにとっては、本来なら愛される人格の一つだった。けれども愛される少年の人格は、エーミールの軽蔑によって罪深いものとなる。誰かの許しがないという状態は、失ったのは形だけではなかった。思い返される度に、自分の過去の醜態が表れる。しかし、人間は大人になるということはそういう積み重ねである。潰された蝶や蛾は、何処へ行ったのか。鱗粉の感触を残しながら、現象は羽ばたいて、一人の人間に語られる形無き存在、形而上学になった。

それこそ標本のように。

————–

哲学のテーマ 「本質」と「現象」

コンプレックスへの参照:ジャンマルタンシャルコー

Liberation Theology and Existence.(English)

(movie: Japanese)
La vulnérabilité des choses précieuses est belle parce que la vulnérabilité est une marque d’existence.

Something of value is vulnerable and helpless, and it's beautiful. Because their weakness is a sign of their existence.

Simone Weil
La Pesanteur et Grâce(Coincidences)


This article contains information on suicide.

Weil wrote in a letter to Gustave Dupont: ‘The right way to write a text is to write it as if you were translating it …… and not to add anything to it.

It is a pen without hesitation that always seems to have an idea (Plato) and is not swept away by the images that spread from the text. I too try to cut out the useless. I couldn’t write everything, no matter how sad it was and no matter how much hatred there was. Even if what I want to convey is painful, even if it is my own voice, I look at what is useless. What you really want to leave behind, like a ‘poem’, will be left in the trail of the scraped-off pieces. It is one of God’s graces – ‘time’ – that must be obtained for healing. It is a lonely task in the extreme, but the joys and sorrows born of it are a given.

I was told that I could read a book before the death of a nun(仏教). At the time I did not think much of the fact that she had sought salvation from Catholicism before she was ordained. It was in the Church that she first opened her eyes and sought salvation in her predicament. But, contrary to Catholic doctrine, which abandoned my child to adultery, she was rejected. Even after her ordination, she remained popular for her humorous take on human problems. I was encouraged to go to her after the accident in 2018 by an older person who respected her and was also a writer. In fact, when I was accepted, she politely refused because I was a Catholic.

She was my last line of communication and afterwards, in the cold February weather, I kept asking myself. (2019)

At the time, I was disturbed by the left-wing activities and opulence of my own church, but the other faithful liked the priest so much that That priest is a good man. You forget him. So I tried to go back to no religion. It is true that I talk more with my friends when I am not religious. Talking about shopping, it is more ‘normal’ in Japan to buy luxury brands every day. They are even respected for their wealth. Still, my days became empty. I began to hate myself. And although I wanted to ask for help, I had forgotten how to ask for it. It was in the early summer of 2019 that I started thinking about suicide for the second time. My second decision was because I couldn’t go back to being non-religious. Establishing themselves as writers. I decided that I would be treated as ‘crazy’ in this country. If that was confirmed, I could stand as a religious person, but that was no longer the case. I am just a mad, ordinary person. The breakdown of the negotiations with this nun accelerated things. When you are in a tight spot, you gradually stop looking for reconciliation of souls. In fact, as was the case with me, PTSD caused me to lose my memory several times during my first suicide attempt in 2018. It’s as if the floor is oiled and the thoughts can’t get up and slide away. People in distress are in distress and the words that come out of their bodies are sometimes incoherent. I who cannot speak well, I who have reduced intelligence, me who…… That is why my ugliness was the trauma of secondary damage.

During my time in the convalescent home, I was also encouraged by friends not to live as a Christian, but to stay at the level of liking the Bible as a hobby. I knew that this would be better for me in Japan. But I could not find anything affirming in the non-religious world. When I look for arguments for soul and holiness instead of income and work, I find that the non-religious are all a mishmash of other religions. There is nothing original. Still, something was missing for me that most Japanese could live with in a way that made sense to them.

I kept running away from my faith. I was also looking for ‘normalcy as a Japanese’. But last year (2020), the Catholic Church and the bishops helped me when I was in trouble. In retrospect, they accepted this bishop even though they would not have had the advantage of accepting me at that time. That was a step in my conversion on the way to God.

I decided to take a step on the path of repentance.

A series of ‘coincidences’ becomes destiny. People want to eliminate them as much as possible, but coincidences are born.

I think that the ‘theology of liberation’, which originated in South American Catholicism, is necessary. Neither the clergy nor the laity should be the gate that closes the gap between a person in need and Jesus. It is only in times of need that the soul tries to leave. The great reconciliation of the wounded takes time.

I tried to focus on Jesus Christ because, unlike other studies, he was the equal, apart from religious groups.

Other disciplines are constantly exposed to absurdities. And they are subject to the reputation of society, even though they also affirm their own existence. Who can say “I am I”? If you can’t, you check yourself in the ‘mirror’ of others. I has no need of that. He has only loyalty and that is who I am
. With this I can be an investment, I can enter into society, even if it is painful, and I can make sense of it. No other study or life can be achieved in the same way. If I am poor, I cannot even open a book. Other religions have barriers because of different races. But the word of the Bible was accessible without money. I think this is unique. Christianity is not absolute, but I was so poor. Not just my heart, but everything was poor. But I could still love the world because of Jesus Christ, who showed me the way to love and live. Jesus said to the man who could not walk. Without any treatment, he said to the man, ‘You can stand. What is faith after baptism?

That’s what it means.

The clergy have hurt us a lot. However.
Faith exists in the words of Jesus: ‘Stand up’.

Of course, the ugliness of the religious community does not erase my own loyalty to Jesus.

I thought God gives you time to find out. Vaguely given time is inorganic, but God-given time was certain. Knowing weakness and struggling to reconcile the soul is God-given time. My weakness was ‘proof of existence’.

postscript

I met a priest who teaches ecclesiastical law.
So I was saved even more.

Die Liebende‐Rainer Maria Rilke(English)

The image of a man, a thought that I, the other, cannot imagine from its trivial aspect,I think of words that I record time and thought. If I could understand every casual look, the light that comes through the window, the changing emotions, I would feel happy. So I realize what I think is beautiful and what it means to be born. I love everything I love. I hate it, but I love it.

Chris Kyogetu

______________

Rilke’s “My darling”, Das ist mein Fenster, “This is my window”, starts with the inevitable awakening of her inner self and a look at the unconscious exterior. This is Eben bin ich so sanft erwacht… “I just woke up”, a gentle, relaxing moment, like a sprinkling of white powder.

“In the day-to-day life of a person like the window, “Bis wohin reicht mein Leben” (Where will my life reach?), and the eternity of the night and the universe, and the dream.

Ich könnte meinen, alleswäre noch Ich ringsum; (I feel that everything around me is still me), and thus loses the frontier between the interior and the exterior. Is both a bond and an obstacle to the outer world in this poem? She’s falling for him. and across the side world whereas his feelings and awareness of him as “objectivity from outside the window” But this is her reflection. Her existence is “inside” the window. Whether expectant or anxious, the waking ‘now’ is simply her being inside the open window.

I don’t know the details of the “I” relationship with that other person, but the fact that the other person is in my heart means that my beloved is not a quiet presence standing in the depths of my consciousness. My analysis of the poem is that it is a window on the outside world, without any intervention or controller (e.g. God) between ‘me’ and the ‘loved one’.

The original reality is the margin in which the poem ends. The world of empty margins, where nothing is written, exists for the poet independent of his own spirit, and when the poet enters into the spirit of a person, It ​means it changes the reader’s vison. If the window becomes special as of this day, it is a success.

It is beautiful to see the interior growth and the interior finesse.

I believe that a beautiful poem is beautiful, even in its borders. 

__________________________________________

The Lover

That is my window. A moment ago

I woke up so softly.

I thought I would float.

To where does my life extend,

and where does the night begin?

I could think that everything

were still me all around;

translucent as a crystal’s

depths, darkened, dumb.

I could also contain the stars

inside me still; so large

does my heart appear to me; so gladly

it released him away again

whom I began perhaps to love,

perhaps began to hold.

Strange, as something never-described

my fate looks at me.

For what am I laid under this

unendingness,

fragrant as a meadow,

moved here and there,

calling out at the same time and afraid

that someone will hear the call,

and determined to find my downfall

in another.

R. M. Rilke

Die Liebende ( Rainer Maria Rilke ) 訳・Chris

Das ist mein Fenster. Ebenbin ich so sanft erwacht.

Ich dachte, ich würde schweben.

Bis wohin reicht mein Leben,und wo beginnt die Nacht?

Ich könnte meinen, alleswäre noch Ich ringsum;

durchsichtig wie eines Kristalles Tiefe, verdunkelt, stumm.

Ich könnte auch noch die Sterne fassen in mir, so groß

scheint mir mein Herz; so gerne ließ es ihn wieder los

den ich vielleicht zu lieben,vielleicht zu halten begann.

Fremd, wie niebeschrieben sieht mich mein Schicksal an.

Was bin ich unter diese Unendlichkeit gelegt,

duftend wie eine Wiese, hin und her bewegt,

rufend zugleich und bange, daß einer den Ruf vernimmt,

und zum Untergange in einem Andern bestimmt.

full version (Japanese)

Die Liebende‐Rainer Maria Rilke

凡庸で一見、外観から想像できない思惑を、時間と思考を刻むように言葉で浮かべながら、何気ない眼差しが、窓を差し込む光が、移ろう感動が、全て意味を持つことが出来るのなら、私は幸せだと思う。そうやって、私は美しいと思うものも、そして生まれてきた意味も実感していた。私は全てを愛している。憎みながらも、愛している。

ChrisKyogetu「意識について」

_______________________

リルケの「愛する人」、Das ist mein Fenster「これは私の窓」という始まりは、自分の内部の目覚めと共に、意識出来ない外部への視線が必然となる。それはEben bin ich so sanft erwacht.「たった今、目覚めたばかり」と、白粉が舞うような、甘くてゆったりとした時間を感じさせます。「窓」のような人間の生活に関わっている日常を通して「Bis wohin reicht mein Leben」私の人生は何処へと届くのかと、到達しえない眼路の限界と、その限界を補うための夢想、「und wo beginnt die Nacht?」そして夜は何処から始まるのだろうと、更に夜と宇宙の無限、そして夢と誘います。

「私」はIch könnte meinen, alleswäre noch Ich ringsum;(私の周りぐるりと全てが未だ私のような気がする) と、それによって内と外との境界線を失います。

私の窓、「 eben、たった今」この窓とは、この詩の中では外の世界と繋げる存在でもあり、隔たりにもなっている。恋する彼女は外の世界を通して彼への想いや気づきを「窓の外という客観性」として具象化します。けれどもこれは彼女の内省だった。

 彼女の存在は窓の「内」にあります。期待を抱こうが、不安を抱こうが目覚めた「今」とは、ただ自分が開かれた窓の内側にいることです。

―Eindruck―

「私」と、こ の相手との関係の詳細は分かりませんが、想う相手が心の中に居るということは、愛する人とは、自分の意識の下で自分の認識している範囲の記憶を形成するが、

佇立している静かな存在では無い。この詩は 「私」と、「想い人」二人の間に何らか しらの干渉者、管理者(例えば神)を置かずに、外の世界を窓だけで表現しているというのが私の分析です。

本来の現実とはこの詩が終わった余白へと向かうことでしょう。何も書かれていない余白世界、それは詩にとっては自分の心とは関係無く存在していて、詩人が人の心の中に入るということは、読者の視界に変化を与えるということです。その日から窓が特別な存在になれば、成功なのです。内面が育つ、内面が繊細になった視界は美しい。

 美しい詩とは余白まで美しいものだと私は思います。 

2015年の推敲版

________________________________________________________________________________

リルケ:「愛する人」Die Liebende ( Rainer Maria Rilke )

これは私の窓、たった今、おもむろに目覚めたばかり。

私は宙に浮いているようだが、私の人生は何処へ向かい、

夜は何処から始まるのだろうか。

私を取り囲む全てが私のままだと思えた。

それは結晶のように深く、透明で、暗くて、無言で、

私はまだ私の中の星をつかめそうだった。私の心は広くなり、

私の心は、彼を再び手放せそうだった。

私が愛し始めたかもしれない、抱きしめたいと思ったかもしれない人だから。

私の運命は、説明のつかない、謎めいた眼差しで私を見ている。

この途切れなく続く私とは何なのだろう。

草原のように香り高く、行き交いながらゆらめいている。呼び声を聞くと恐れてしまうことは、誰かにとっては、別の場所で別れを意味することだから。

(朗読しやすいように翻訳しました)

(原文)

Die Liebende ( Rainer Maria Rilke ) 訳・Chris

Das ist mein Fenster. Ebenbin ich so sanft erwacht.

Ich dachte, ich würde schweben.

Bis wohin reicht mein Leben,und wo beginnt die Nacht?

Ich könnte meinen, alleswäre noch Ich ringsum;

durchsichtig wie eines Kristalles Tiefe, verdunkelt, stumm.

Ich könnte auch noch die Sterne fassen in mir, so groß

scheint mir mein Herz; so gerne ließ es ihn wieder los

den ich vielleicht zu lieben,vielleicht zu halten begann.

Fremd, wie niebeschrieben sieht mich mein Schicksal an.

Was bin ich unter diese Unendlichkeit gelegt,

duftend wie eine Wiese, hin und her bewegt,

rufend zugleich und bange, daß einer den Ruf vernimmt,

und zum Untergange in einem Andern bestimmt.

フルバージョンはこちら

最も貧しい才能へ

君、たのむ、死んではならぬ。自ら称して、盲目的愛情。君が死ねば、君の空席が、いつまでも私の傍に在るだろう。
――太宰治「思案の敗北」

 海を渡る蝶は海面で休むが、水の重さで羽が重くなったら飛びはじめる。死と隣り合わせの小さき存在は消えてしまっても大海が蠢くだけだった。生きていた痕跡を知らせない死、波の香りに呑まれる、ガルシアマルケスが水死体の浮かぶ海を薔薇の香りに見立てた。潮の香りと薔薇の香りが融合する。夢の薔薇の香りは太陽が沈むと同時に闇と共に濃くなっていく、それが眠り、太陽の夢、

波の音だけを残して、残響が誘惑する。蝶の肢体を探しにいく人は誰もいない。

程よい、絶望にドビュッシーの海、

2018年はドビュッシーの没後100周年だったが、

結局、意識が指を動かすことがなかった。

過去に学んだ心理学上は生も死も研究対象で、心のしくみについての立証、検証、の繰り返しだった。心の正常が何かさえ研究段階、発表しては埋もれていく。生きることを肯定しているのが強いのはキリスト教だった。教理は教理として存在していて、神の愛は検証無く存在するという前提条件、それでも私の心は乾いていた。

愛に関して、人間の愛に関しては、心理の中では点数や状況で推測される。興味があるか、性的に見ているか、しかし、内包された愛とは信仰と同じように囚われない。この最高のものが神の愛ということは、移ろう人間の愛よりも定かだった。信じるも信じないも、その条件は意識の外に正解として存在する。神の愛に治療を頼むのか、人間の愛に治療を頼むのか、

私はどちらも信じることが出来なかった。

まず言葉が途切れ途切れにしか意識で構成できなくなった。それを隠しながら、書けなくなった事を黙っていた。その中で枯れきった愛を思い浮かべながら、嘘をつく。会議の途中で薬を飲み、ホテルに行くのも薬を飲んでから行っていた。割高の水の料金を払って、薬の抜け殻は探されない蝶のようだった。全ては腹の中、秘密は自分だけ蝕んでいく。2018年6月に震度6の地震があった。地鳴りがして、何が起きたのか分からなかった。死ぬのかもしれないと思ったが、当時付き合っていた人には電話しなかった。彼が冷めていたことを知っていて、冷たくされた場合、傷つくからだ。別れ話は早く済ませるべきだった。

人間の愛には醜悪も悪意も存在するが、愛は信じることも含まれていた。人間同士の愛は墜落し罪悪になるが、神の愛は人智を超えてくる。人間同士は我が身を守ることを考える。他者への愛より自分を選ぶ、それが人間だが、神はそうではない。自己犠牲は神に近く、理想はそれを目指すが桃源郷。人間同士の愛は、罪悪がある。心理学、哲学、神に囚われない考えは、この醜さもなければ、生きる活力にならないとする。私達は運命に育てられているのだから、それらを混合し、熱意のせいでのぼせながら、今日も人は尊い存在。

小さな絶望を繰り返すたびに、笑みが溢れて、限界に確信が近づく。死に向かうよりも蘇生法は苦しく、取り残された毎日は、波にかき消される日と待ち望む。

「天使達は天国でそれほど幸せでなかったと笑いに来る」

遺書の一部を読んだのも3年後の今日のことだった。本当は恨んでいるのに、恨んでないように書いて、文章が酷かった。言語が途切れ途切れで、もう書けない状態だったと理解出来る。切羽詰まっているだけのように思えるが、この日に限らず、長らく自分の意思すら伝えられないまま、書けなかったのだ。10月、まだ蒸し暑い、国際ミサの日だった。

何かを恐れて、何かに怯えて、憎悪が形相を超えては溢れかえっていた。

 血痕を掃除してもらい、猫のアダムが来た。だからあの子は天使だと思った。あの日の思浮かべた天使はもう居ない。この子は祝福に溢れていた。何故これだけアダムを愛しているのか、何故これだけ必要なのか、それを語ろうとすると、常にこの日に繋がっていく。人に虐げられた人間が成功すると、最低な日を暴露する光景はよく見かける。あの時、差別した人間を見返す、あの時、虐げられたことを乗り越えた、人は必ず最低の日と繋げるものなのだ。最高の日は最低の日と繋がる。だから最高を避けるようになる。

平穏は、最低の日を飼い慣らせるが、最高の日は最低の日によって押しつぶされる。

 今年のこの日は敢えて聖書の引用を選ばなかった。空席ができたら寂しいと言わんばかりの太宰治のこの言葉を選んだ。人の恋慕が神に近い言葉だと思った。恐らく、あの日はこれを聞きたかったのだろう。でもあの日は聞けなかった。

 最も愚かだった日から、私は何所へ向かっているのか分からない。誰に毎日感謝を言えばいいのか分からないほど、色んな人に助けられた。そしてこの朗読の声は、数年の私の失った世界に綺麗な声をくれた。辿ってみると、長い思案の旅だった。

最低の日が遠のくように、今はこの綺麗な声の傍で休息したい。この綺麗な声が生きる文章を書きたい。蝶は眠りから覚めた。また旅路の約束をして、何処かへ行こう。

私達、最も貧しい才能へ。

アダム

2016年 胸が痛いと救急車を呼んだ

2017年 常に安定剤と眩暈止め、色々な薬が手放せなくなった。

2018年 意識の中で言葉が途切れ途切れになっていった。

2021年 心臓と肝機能の薬で回復傾向(向精神薬の服用停止、ワソラン錠等の心臓の薬に変更)

「書けなくなった」そう遺書を残したのは太宰治だった。その言葉を意識したことはなかったけれども、知ってはいた。私は無意識の中でその言葉があったのだと思う。話が思いつかなかったわけではない、自分の言葉が消えてしまった時期があった。

あの日はそうなった。誰のせいでもなく、全てが書けなくなったからだった。

それは心の問題か、薬の副反応だったのか野暮な事は言わない。

重くならないように整理することに時間を要した。

回心をしてからも、人生の最高の日には、

あの日が戻ってくる。3年、長いようで早く済んだのかもしれない。

記事の整理も色々と、立て直したいと思っています。

朗読してくれる彼を始め、

皆さまの協力があったからです。ありがとうございました。

実は2018年のこと、もう乗り越えてます。

The Goldfinch(English)

The Goldfinch Carel Pieterszoon Fabritius

Should be a reflection of something purer.
André Paul Guillaume Gide

On 12 October 1654 an explosion in an explosive’s depot caused a large extent of casualties.

Many Dutch paintings were destroyed in the explosion, and this also damaged the workshop. One of the victims was Rembrandt’s pupil, Carel Fabritius, who was also killed in the accident. This captive bird is still alive today, even though it has lost its owner.

No doubt many people will agree that the “fate” of this painting is the reason for much of its re-evaluation.

Carel Fabritius was an Rembrandt student. His paintings have been influenced by Rembrandt. We can find Rembrandt’s influence in the way he painted light. Rembrandt’s early works show a wide range of colors, but he gradually developed a basis of brown and grey tones, with brighter colors used for the most illuminated objects. He also uses chiaroscuro, a compositional technique that clearly defines light and darkness.

Its influence is also felt by his pupil Fabritius. Overall, the work is completed in opacity, but the color contrast gives the wall a strong light. The walls are darkly shaded by the feeder and the birds as chiaroscuro,  Tarnished natural yellows create a psychological effect of light and shade. What distinguishes this painting from that of Rembrandt, in addition to choosing the bird as a motif, This is using hard paint..Like Van Gogh and the impressionists.

The bird’s background is a flat wall, but we can imagine that what the bird is watching is daylight.

By avoiding all human symbols and imagery, the bird sees the purest things. The light is reflected in her eyes and the imagination is always there. This painting, dressed in “Amor Fati” is a bird who never knew the escape.

This bird lives for a long time and is not capable of flying high.

It was the movie “The goldfinch”(2019) that made this painting instantly famous of our time.

In order to explain the film, a boy and his mother visit a museum and find themselves caught in an explosion. While they escape, the boy steals the goldfinch which has survived. Inspired by the destiny of the original painting of real life, I watched this movie in 2021 with no previous information. The film was inspired by the destiny of the original painting of actual life,and I got a sense of déjà vu from the paintings used in the film.

Had a life of his own for a film accessory. Nothing symbolic at the time, but the color palette was classic. The bird understands the light and is free from superfluous insights. It’s too far from being allowed to exist as a painting, and I’ve seen it before. During the movie, I thought so much about this painting that I didn’t remember exactly what it was about. I didn’t remember exactly what they were talking about, However, the characters began to say that it was a Dutch painting. I looked through the catalogue on the shelf in the other room, thinking maybe I saw this painting once.

In 2012, I was still watching the painting.

I placed a sticky note in the catalogue of Mauritshuis’s exhibition.

The page was “The Goldfinch”. Many Dutch paintings were produced during the boom in microscopic observation, So these are essentially specific tables. Rembrandt’s “Canticum Simeonis” was extremely bright. And Vermeer’s “Het meisje met de parel” tour. I passed by smiling faces art, smiling faces art, and found ‘Goldfinch’ in still life.

It seemed like an incomplete picture. After the human smile, the innocence of the animal, the feathers reflecting the pure light, looked even brighter. In the midst of all these still life’s, observed as the curious mind desires, there is a single and foreign imperfection.

The chained bird received the love of someone special instead of freedom. The look in the eyes of the person who loved this bird makes it seem that it is not so bad out there either. Whoever fed this bird, this bird has transcended much time and space and always sees the light. The vitality of the paintings that survived the explosion accident was unintentionally revived in my memory. It was a memory I did not cherish, but it was unexpectedly revived, and it was now inevitable that I would notice this ‘bird’ lurking in the shadows, even for a moment, while I was looking at the guide to the series of Vermeer’s ‘Pearl Earring’. At the time, I certainly thought it was a good painting. But I didn’t realise then that it was so memorable. I thought about leaving without buying the catalogue, but I am glad I did. At the time of the exhibition I didn’t think my life would fall apart from there until 2014, after my Catholic baptism, when I was baptised into the Catholic Church.

I was in hell for a long time, although I also saw heaven. What to do with what I saw on the verge of death, my good will was preserved by this one gentle miracle. For this memory of Hades was an assurance that I had not lived in vain.

 This trompe l’oeil (deception), loved by fate, which deceives me, overwhelms me with the power of its vitality. It made me want to be deceived again, to catch the light.

***

The goldfinch, also known as the ‘thorn bird’, is said to have pulled the thorns from Christ’s crown of thorns, causing the blood to splatter on its wings.

Info

Translation, proofreading of past articles has not been completed. I’m finishing up this month.

I am so sorry for the late submission.

The Goldfinch

The Goldfinch:Carel Pieterszoon Fabritius
もっと純粋なものを反射しなければならない
ジッド「日記」第一巻

1654年10月12日に爆薬庫の爆発事故は大規模な範囲の犠牲を生んだ。多くの死者を出し、アトリエも巻き込まれ多くのオランダ絵画が焼失した。その中の一人の、レンブラントの弟子のカレル・ファブリティウスも事故に巻き込まれて帰らぬ人となった。この捕らわれの鳥は飼い主を失っても今も生きている。

この絵画の再評価の多くの理由は「運命」に惹かれた、という人は少なくないだろう。

 カレル・ファブリティウスはレンブラントの弟子であり、光の描き方がレンブラントの

影響があるだろう。レンブラントは初期の作品は多彩な色使いが見られるが、次第に茶とグレーの階調を基礎とし、一番光が当たるものに明るい色を置く。レンブラントはキアロスクーロという明暗を明確にする構図に惹かれていく。

この影響は弟子のファブリティウスにも見られる。全体的に鈍色で仕上げられているが、対比によって壁に強い光が当たっているように考察出来る。餌箱と鳥の背後の影が濃い。天然色の影響なのか分からないが、くすんでいる黄色が心的な光と影を作り出している。レンブラントとの違いは、宗教的な題材ではなく、鳥を選んだこと、固めの塗料を使用していることである。それは、ゴッホや印象派を連想させる。

鳥の背景は無地の壁であるが、この光の当たり方で鳥が見上げているものは日の光だと想像出来る。イタリア語でCardellinという名前のこの鳥は、カズラの実を好んで食し、イエスの受難を意味している。人間につけられた象徴、想像をよそに、もっとも純粋なものをこの鳥は見つめている。目に光が映りこんで、一瞬という瞬間に想像力が宿る。

Amor fati(運命愛)に纏われたこの絵画は、飛翔することを知らない鳥だった。

それなのに、長い時を経て生きている。

 この絵を現代で一気に有名にしたのは映画「The Goldfinch」(2019)だった。美術館に母親と二人で訪れた少年は爆発事故に巻き込まれる。少年は、逃げる際に生き残ったGoldfinchを盗みだしてしまう。元々の実在の絵画の運命をモチーフとして作られた映画だが、2021年、私はこの映画を前情報無しで見ていた。そこで使われている絵画に既視感を覚えた。映画用の小道具、という短命の運命にしては生命力があった。たかが鳥の絵ではあるが、背景の色が現代の発想で描いたわりには古典的な描写だった。光を理解していて、余計な思想が無い。絵画一枚として存在するにしては構図が右に寄っている、それにやはり見たことがあった。映画の話が頭に入って来ないほど、この絵のことばかり考えていて、登場人物達がオランダ絵画と言いだしたので、もしかしたら一度見たことがあるかもしれないと、別室の本棚から図録を探した。

2012年、私はこの絵をやはり見ていた。

マウリッツハイツ美術展(2012)の図録に付箋を貼っていた。そのページが「The Goldfinch」だった。オランダ絵画は顕微鏡等で観察がブームだった時代のものもあり、基本は精密な絵画が多い。レンブラントの「シメオンの賛歌」は圧倒的な異才を放っていた。フェルメールの「真珠の耳飾りの少女」目当てに美術館のコースが決まっている。人間の笑った顔、笑った顔の作品を素通りしながら、静物画のエリアで「The Goldfinch」を見つけた。

その絵画は未完成のようだった。この展示会のテーマは「笑い」だったので、様々な人間の笑みの後に見ると動物の持つ邪の無さ、純粋な光を反射している羽は余計に輝いて見えた。探求心の欲しいがままに観察された静物画の並ぶところに、一枚の不完全が存在している。顕微鏡で覗けない距離に、その鳥は空を見上げていた。この絵は額に入る予定ではなかった。トロンプ・ルイユ(だまし絵)の一枚か、もしくはケースの蓋だったのか、正体は不明である。正直、この絵画展の評価は低かったが、この鳥の絵とレンブラントの「シメオンの賛歌」だけ良かったと感想を残している。

音を持たない絵画に、鳥の足音、鎖の当たる音の想像が混ざる。この鳥は運命のいかなる試練や誘惑にも消されることがなかった。不完全、飛べる可能性 繋がれた鎖、この3点は不自由な人間の心を打つのかもしれない。名作と思いながら、この絵画を語る機会がなかった。

まず、この絵画の作者を誰も知らないというのは不自由さ、語りだすことが難しい。

自分で秘めて持続するとしても、留めておく経験と情報が少なかった。

この鳥は私の記憶の死角に潜んでいたが、運命に愛されているのでまた生還する。

 図録を開いた瞬間に、挟まっていった館内マップと、当時の美術館の広告が本から落ちていく。それが鳥の羽ばたきの音を連想させた。消えていた記憶が蘇るとは、時間の動きを感じさせる。特に、それが希望に繋がる場合は、神の啓示にすら思えた。光を享受する力がある生き物の、その瞳の向こうには美しい世界が広がっている。

鎖で繋がれた鳥は、自由の代わりに特定の誰かの愛を受ける。この鳥を愛している人間の眼差しを想像すると、外も悪いものではないのかもしれない。この鳥に餌を与えていたのは誰だったのか、この鳥は多くの時間と空間を超えて、いつも光を見ている。爆発事故によって生き残った絵画の生命力、それが私の記憶でも意図せず蘇った。大切にしたわけでもない記憶だったが不意に蘇ること、フェルメールの「真珠の耳飾り」の列の案内を目にしながら、一瞬でも影のように潜んでいるこの「鳥」に目に留まったことすらも今は必然だったと思う。当時、確かに良い絵だと思った。でもそれほど記憶に残るものだとは当時気づかなかった。図録は買わないで帰ろうと思ったが、買っておいてよかったと思う。この展示会の頃はそこから人生が転落するなんて思っていなかった。2014年、カトリック洗礼後、

私は天国も見たけれども長い地獄にいた。死の淵で見たことをどうするか、一つのこの優しい奇跡に私の善意は保たれた。この記憶の黄泉がえりは無駄に生きていなかったという確証だったからだ。

 運命に愛されたこのトロンプ・ルイユ(騙し絵)、何を欺いているのか、生命力の強さに圧倒される。もう一度騙されてもいいので、光を受けてみたいと思わせた。

The Goldfinch(2019)
原作あり

***

ごしきひわは、「いばらの鳥」とも言われ、ごしきひわがキリストの茨の冠から棘を引き抜いて、その羽に血が飛び散ったと言われている。

No longer human (English.ver)

And lastly, there's still a way to seek God in you. That is, there are ways of doing away with things that are limited. For if artists look for the face of the King in the soul of a tree, they will leave everything behind for the love of that face.
Nicolaus Cusanus-De quaerendo Deum 49

Foreword

 

When it comes to talking about Osamu Dazai’s ‘character’ in Japan, he does not make a good impression on society. This does not mean that Osamu Dazai is not recognised as a great writer by the public in Japan. However, it is a common topic of conversation among intellectuals to talk about their dislike of Dazai . You should definitely come to Japan to experience this unique feeling. It is a feeling that is beyond words.

In 2021, he is not even sure whether he will have a high or low status alongside the intellectual giants of the Showa period, such as Hideo Kobayashi and Kunio Yanagida . What is certain is that Osamu Dazai’s status is that of ‘famous’. I prefer Osamu Dazai not only because his stories are great. When I talk about writers like Mishima Yukio and Tanizaki Junichiro, the literary maniacs bother me. As soon as I badly recite Junichiro’s Tanizaki’s Kansai dialect, they tell me to fuck off because it is so bad and offensive. Osamu Dazai fans, on the other hand, are rarely criticised, even if they get Dazai a bit wrong, perhaps because of the Dazai heart attack, or perhaps because he was not as virtuous in his lifetime as he was on the left. I think there is no other writer who is so easy to talk about. I hear that Dazai’s library sells well in the summer, and that still seems to be the case. Some people say that his colloquial style lacks the intellectualism of the great writers. The fact that he writes with sensitivity about things that are taken for granted can raise both religious and philosophical questions. And his sensitivity is not a technique embellished with special words that can only be found in a national dictionary, but is also characterised by a large number of words used in everyday life.

Dazai and two women.

Tomie Yamazaki

“Why not risk your life in love?” suggested Osamu Dazai. Dazai had another heart-suicide case when he was a student.

Dazai also had a murder-suicide when he was a student, but it was with a different person. The dead woman in the student heart-suicide incident is mentioned many times in Dazai’s other works, such as ‘Douka no Hana’ (Flower of a Clown) and others, in addition to ‘Ningen Shikkaku’ (Human Disqualification). She continues to care for Dazai like a nightingale, desperately caring for his tuberculosis and desperately trying to keep his affection for herself. Tomiei learns that Dazai is distressed by the changes in post-war Japan, and realises that she has blindly accepted that women can only live wrapped up in the big things. Tomiei was rushed into marriage by her family, and her husband went to the war zone in Manila, Philippines, never to return. She became a widow. In Japan, where the term ‘所帯くずし’ existed, no one could cure her loneliness at that time. After Tomiei and Dazai’s suicide, her father regretted that he should have understood his daughter’s loneliness. She genuinely loved her husband, who had gone to Manila, even though it was an arranged marriage. Unlike the rest of the world, in 1947 Dazai depicted her love for Tomiei and her invocation festival for her husband, centred on the fictional flower phosphorescence, in Phosphorescence, which was created on 3 June. The world did not forgive Tomiei’s depression over what to do with her love for her husband who was killed in the war, but only Dazai forgave her and accepted her love for him. Ningen Shikkaku is Osamu Dazai’s last work and is said to be a semi-autobiography written while Tomiei was nursing Dazai.

The family published the diary to stop rumours about their daughter Tomiei.

Michiko Yusima

As the wife of Osamu Dazai, she endured her husband’s repeated infidelities and selfishness. In contrast to the Dazai described by Yamazaki Tomiei, her husband’s partner in suicide, the novel describes Dazai Osamu as a tyrant and an unqualified husband. The writing is so intelligent that she can write on the blackboard while listening to Dazai read “Heed My Plea ” like a spider spitting threads. If Osamu Dazai’s writing is sentimental, his wife Michiko Tsushima’s is rational. In Dazai’s world of writing, ‘Wife’ is written by a woman whose writing is not beautiful and who has fallen as a woman, but in reality his wife’s writing is soft and beautiful as a woman, and she is calm about her troubled husband, Dazai, and the world at large. The Jogakusei is based on the diary of a real young female lover. This is also the case with Ota Shizuko, the model for Shayo, and it seems that Dazai had many such requests for his wife’s diaries. The student “placed a small white rose on her breast in a collection of poems”, which Dazai described as “red embroidery”. It was his wife who called it ‘white’. I’m Catholic,I am compelled to affirm the efforts of my wife, Michiko Tsushima, who, more than anyone else in this group, has defended the key elements of husband and wife and family, and more than Tomiei. It is only recently that I too have understood this value. That is how long it takes to understand the meaning of family.Personally, I cannot determine what kind of love is great, but there was an emotion that others could not understand beyond the pain and endurance. There was something about it that made even the word ‘love’ a cliché.

“No longer human” and “Osamu Dazai”

Yozo, the protagonist, has been a beautiful boy since childhood, but he has doubts that cannot be attributed to his contemplation of happiness. People judge him as ‘happy’ because of the outer skin that covers his inner self. These words are somewhat superficial and do not resonate with Yozo. And, as if the world around him were a Japanese honour student, he can’t find anyone else with his kind of problems. The protagonist thinks to the world, “Do they all sleep at night without deep thoughts and feel refreshed in the morning?” He is lost in thought. And in an almost overlooked detail, Yozo was ‘mistreated’ (raped) by a servant as a child. He thought about complaining to his parents about the damage, but took pleasure in watching the fall of man and his nature. The content of this human disqualification can be found in many of his other works, such as “Douka no Hana”and it is said that Dazai became a writer to write ‘Ningen Shikkaku’. It is written in the Japanese language, a language of ‘character’, but if you look at the events alone, they are the very essence of ‘human karma’ in the Buddhist sense. The language (meaning) conceals the ‘beast’ that lives in man, and this tension makes this work superior to ‘Douka no Hana’.

Yozo was sensitive and enjoyed looking at human nature. He was intoxicated by showing kindness to dubious people and felt that he had become a good person through their gratitude. Yozo was then sent to school in another hometown. He says his parents’ home is the hardest place to work (and play). As a ‘clown’, he tries to keep in harmony with his surroundings so as not to reveal his mind. When Yozo falls from the bars, Takeichi, who was watching the performance, sees through his ‘waza waza’ (deliberate) act. Yozo wants to kill Takeichi, but then realises that this is not his true intention. In fact, he was shocked to realise that it was he who wanted to be killed. Yozo takes Takeichi with him and goes to his house. Takeichi had a bad ear, so Yozo planned hypocrisy by offering to clean his ear for him. Takeichi then makes the first prophecy to Yozo.

I’ll bet lots of women will fall for you.

It was not that he would be loved, but that he would be ‘made to fall in love’. He already knew the difference, and how being ‘annoyed’ rather than liked was a sweet temptation that could lead to unhappiness. Takeichi’s sisters also seemed to be in love with Yozo. But that was only the beginning. His interaction with Takeichi led Yozo to try his hand at painting, but when he painted, the result was a gruesome picture that was the complete opposite of his clownish self. When he saw it, he knew that the painting was his like true identity. This leads to a second prophecy from Takeichi: “You will be a great painter”. The final part of the second memoir is the ‘emotional death’ incident, which is also a recurring event in Dazai’s past. Yozo jumped into the sea in Kamakura with a woman named Tsuneko. Only the woman died, and Yozo was charged with assisting suicide, but the charges were dropped.

At the beginning of the third memoir, Takeichi says that he seems to have guessed the first prophecy, but not the second. So far, this is similar to Hesse’s Augustus. Augustus was also beautiful, and everyone loved him. This led Augustus to the point where he never learned to love people and did terrible things to them. After his mother died, he begged to give up the magic he had been given, which was to be loved. This led to him being loved by no one and being sent to prison as atonement for his past deeds. Although Hesse left the Christian school, Augustus is rooted in the values of the Christian world. It was ‘witchcraft’ rather than divine grace that made ‘many women fall in love with him’. It was not the witchcraft of religious heresy, but as a fairy tale. But because it was witchcraft, he could let it go. From then on, he loved people while being hated and loved by no one. He embodied Matthew 5: ‘Blessed are the poor in spirit’.

Like Dazai, Hesse attempted suicide. One thing they had in common was that they both loved to read the Bible. In particular, Osamu Dazai carried a Bible with him when he visited his adulterous lover, Shizuko Ota. In his wife’s memoirs, she also mentions that her husband, Osamu Dazai, carried a Bible with him. His lover, Tomiei Yamazaki, also studied Christianity and French at the YWCA. His teacher was Junko Takamizawa, Hideo Kobayashi’s own sister. She discussed the Bible with Dazai. Although their personalities are different, I cannot help but think that this intersection between Hesse and Osamu Dazai carries the saga of the Japanese people. This is because the difference between falling in love and nurturing love, which is expressed by popular Christianity, is a mistake. Many people make a distinction between the two and assume that nurturing love is more wonderful. In truth, it is not.

Falling in love’ or ‘nurturing love’ makes little difference. They are just the process of germinating, blossoming and bearing fruit. What is important for Christians is to ‘redeem’ the love of Jesus by understanding it. That is what we must be dedicated to, like Augustus. This is the difference between true Christians and the irreligious. Yozo in Ningen Shikkaku remained unable to understand his neighbour, but he doubted his neighbour’s happiness. The courtship of a man who has no interest in people becomes ‘clownish’. Unable to fit in even in the presence of his parents, Yozo’s scent of loneliness becomes seductive as he grows up and is sniffed out by women. He becomes a colourful demon who guards the women’s secrets. Yozo marries a seventeen-year-old ‘Yoshi’ whom he meets in a bar. He finally becomes a reasonable man and gets drunk with his friend Horiki, who calls him ‘comedic noun’ and ‘tragic noun’ with his senses. After saying that the opposite of sin(Tumi) is ‘honey’(Mitu), he sees his wife Yoshi being unfaithful to another man downstairs.

Yoshiko is a genius of trust. Even though she is betrayed by the woman she thought she could trust, her friend Horiki, perhaps because he knows Yozo’s upbringing.

Horiki told Yozo.

You should forgive her. You’re not a good person either.

The man she had an affair with was a merchant who had Yozo draw manga.

Yozo read a book about his wife’s sexual affair with another man. The husband did not blame his wife. Rather, he resented Horiki for taking the trouble to tell him about the hidden things. He had lost his way with his wife. ‘God,I ask you,non-resistance asin?” could be a question to Joseph, a man who believed he was as pure as the Virgin Mary (virginity). This is connected to the fact that the biblical narrative in the first epistle, “I fail to see, however, that distrust for human begins should necessarily lead directly to religion. “I am convinced that human life is filled with many pure, happy, serene examples of insincerity, truly splendid of their kind-of people deceiving one another without (strangely enough) any wounds being inflicted, of people who seem unaware even that they are deceiving one another.” The reality in Japan does not show any obstacles in daily life, even if it differs from Christianity.

Despite his love of the Bible, Yozo, as Dazai wrote, was not about ‘loving your neighbour’, but about doubting his neighbour’s happiness. Just when he thought he had finally learned how to love after his marriage, his wife betrayed him the next time. He said in words that he forgave his wife but resented his friend, but his resentment did not last and his thoughts became saturated. He is ‘unable to put his being together’. Yozo looks and ages more defiantly than his age. -I will be 27 this year. I have a lot of grey hair, so most people see me as over forty – I think this is a reference to the fact that Dazai himself was in his forties when he caused the death of only one woman in a double suicide that he actually committed.

I would like to believe that the heart is something that always exists in us naturally, as something with more core.

but it is ‘by chance’ that the mind shows its power as an emotion. There are some readers who cannot understand Yozo’s thought process at all. Yozo’s floating feeling of being separated from his mind is called dissociative disorder, but it is believed that Osamu Dazai had both dissociative disorder and bipolar disorder. If the childhood sexual assaults by adults are true, they may have been the result of PTSD. Fortunately, while dissociative disorder was a disease, it was also mixed in with French and German philosophy and literature, ‘Subjectivity’, ‘objectivity’, ‘phenomena’, ‘existence’, ‘consciousness’ – to begin to question these was also an academic discipline. Ophelia in Shakespeare’s Hamlet was mad, but her prose poems somehow seemed to make sense, as her brother said: ‘It’s as if there’s a lesson in madness’. Ophelia was mad too, but she did not remove the name ‘Jesus Christ’.

Well,  God yield you!  They say the owl was a baker’s daughter. Lord, we know  what we are, but know not what we may be. God be at your  table.


–Ophelia

A document in madness, thought and remenbrance fitted.


–Laertes

The tragedy of Hamlet is that he did not ‘atone’ for his murderers. This is clearer than in Japanese literature. But people still get ‘lessons’ other than religious ones from the story. As a mirror for getting to know people, as a stage for the reproduction of the human condition. It is also the temptation of literature: the pure life and modern literature are incompatible, so much so that G. Bataille studied “literature and evil”. This is because it sometimes saves the human spirit by leaving behind its ‘evil’ and ‘weakness’. Man cannot become conscious through his thoughts alone. He becomes conscious through someone’s words. The words of another person, whom he does not know, shape him. To know man better, and literature, which is responsible for this, can even extract him by poisoning itself, like alchemy. Love’, written only from the imagination, is easy to apply to the popular imagination. This is because people’s common perception can understand its story.

But love stories written by writers who have lived unique, sultry lives are less likely to be understood. This is because people’s ordinary imagination cannot understand them. What is the difference between that and the ‘love’ that the whole of humanity allowed in the crucifixion of Jesus, which is what is ‘sacred and secular’? Writers must realise that they are ‘worldly’. Dante’s Divine Comedy is treated as sacred because it is sacred now, but at the time Dante was deported. I know of no innocent writers. So it cannot be separated from the sacred, because its struggle is meaningful.

The tragedy of Hamlet is that he did not ‘atone’ for his murderers. This is clearer than in Japanese literature. But people still get ‘lessons’ other than religious ones from the story. As a mirror for getting to know people, as a stage for the reproduction of the human condition. It is also the temptation of literature: the pure life and modern literature are incompatible, so much so that G. Bataille studied “literature and evil”. This is because it sometimes saves the human spirit by leaving behind its ‘evil’ and ‘weakness’. Man cannot become conscious through his thoughts alone. He becomes conscious through someone’s words. The words of another person, whom he does not know, shape him. To know man better, and literature, which is responsible for this, can even extract him by poisoning itself, like alchemy. Love’, written only from the imagination, is easy to apply to the popular imagination. This is because people’s common perception can understand its story.

But love stories written by writers who have lived unique, sultry lives are less likely to be understood. This is because people’s ordinary imagination cannot understand them. What is the difference between that and the ‘love’ that the whole of humanity allowed in the crucifixion of Jesus, which is what is ‘sacred and secular’? Writers must realise that they are ‘worldly’. Dante’s Divine Comedy is treated as sacred because it is sacred now, but at the time Dante was deported. I know of no innocent writers. So it cannot be separated from the sacred, because its struggle is meaningful.

Artistic sensibility was condemned to a ‘free sentence’, or so I thought. This has been the case since the 20th century. When childish, I didn’t know about Sartre’s punishment of freedom in particular, but as a child I thought it was a torture in which I had to thank the invisible world by saying ‘freedom, freedom’. For me, both God and ‘the world’ were on a par with the invisible. The sense of sound and colour, that it is more sensitive than others, that it is more sensitive than others to chew up consciousness with words, they are said to be free, but in fact they are not. I had no choice but to find him while drowning. If there is an ideal of beauty, Plato’s idea, its counterpart would be the phenomenon. And more phenomena can be a beautiful veneer for philosophical language and artistic sensibility, but they can also unconsciously be the ‘Society won’t stand for it’, as in the famous ‘No longer human’. Dazai seems to have left a word that is perfectly qualified as literature, without resorting to religious or philosophical terminology. For this reason alone, I am impressed by Dazai.

He also grasped the nameless entity that masquerades as the world: “It’s not that the world won’t allow it, it’s you. It is you”, he grasped the cowardly personality hiding in the shadow of the big thing called the world. The ego that was being chipped away by the world may have been similar to the women of that time who had a reason to be. Women, especially if they were young, had to be single, then in a family, or they had no human rights. If widowed, they had to undergo another ritual remarriage through marriage. Although there were many experts, including Kawabata Yasunari, who criticised him harshly, he began to live with the women who affirmed him. Yozo in Ningen Shikkaku (No longer human) would be one such woman.

Is what defines existence only an event in our minds? Or must there also be a ‘world’ or a chain of family registers? If there is one thing that has power beyond all rational philosophy and theology, it is the embrace of Eros and Thanatos. In Egon Schiele’s Death and the Maiden, Schiele’s impulse to live erotically and his cowardly humanity to live stably are manifested in the Grim Reaper. This would be Schiele’s ‘No longer human’. From a distance, they appear to be one and the same. On closer inspection, the woman is holding the Reaper tightly, but the Reaper has his hand on the woman’s shoulder. This forcefulness, unnoticeable from a distance, is inhuman. Schiele’s beauty is not the beauty of a religious painting. God’s light is also invisible to the eye, because man also hides his ugliness. When people find both, they seem to become ecstatic about their presence. That is why the light of God and the human figure have always been the art of man, inseparable from the sacred and the profane.

Egon Schiele, ‘Death and the Maiden’.

Schiele was arrested for using teenagers as nude models and had conflicts with the church; in the 2000s, when I was a teenager, I could model myself and paint whatever I wanted. Self-portraits are not always about faces. I continued to paint my own nudes. The only thing I was inexperienced in at that time was love. I was bored by the medieval painters’ attempts to get to know people by dissecting them, away from God, because they said it was ‘evolution’. Civilisation and evolution, they say, and we are grateful. I thought it was a similar feeling to Yozo’s ‘I don’t understand hunger’. The literature we read when we are young is not enough experience, so we perceive it through imagination, or through the brain’s illusion of similarity. That is how I had to perceive things, even if others said they were completely different.Why do people go out of their way to lament the word hunger when it is so commonplace? It seemed to me that this and the search for ‘humanity’ in the novel ideas of contemporary art are the same thing. At some point my fingertips seemed to learn the naked body, the skeleton, and I drew various imaginary figures. You can always hire adult nudes. If you go to a sex club, prostitutes can easily show you their pubic hair. The reason I started drawing was that as a child I was praised for my sense of colour. Other reasons were that I forgot about time and it was fun to create my own little world, to achieve something with my own fingers. I just woke up and kept writing, dreaming of philosophical things, thinking about God, connecting with the truth of the world somewhere by ‘expressing’ it in a similar daily routine. I was always looking for something to find, like Plato’s idea. Is it something beautiful, because what I wanted to find was also ‘myself’. No, I was trying to create a new self, which is probably the strongest thing, because I couldn’t accept who I am now. But being young is something in the past, or immature in the way it preserves the past. So I expect to be able to create a new self, a self for the future. That was my youth. I used to say, when adults used to make fun of me in the Best Picture criticism, that the work of self-discovery was itself bad work. Perhaps they were tired of the ‘questioning of the ego’ that was evident in much of my work. Such people also strongly disliked and criticised Osamu Dazai. Dazai was not a painter, but he is an example even in such a situation. Moreover, it may be a good thing that he is such an important figure that he comes out as a bad example.

But he praised Egon Schiele. They respect him because his confrontation with the Church seems to the Japanese to be a way of keeping his ego in check. I laughed heartily at the similarity as I listened to him. At the time, my understanding of the purpose of the content of No longer human was still limited, but I could relate my feelings to those of Yozo, who laughed when he mistook the sleeping pill Calmotin for the laxative Henomotin in the work. I was sure that these two people did not know each other well and made the mistake without realising that they would be very embarrassed. I didn’t even know if it was a ‘comedy noun’, because I knew at the time. Comedy is laughing at the comical human condition, essentially human suffering. Even though this story is called my memoirs and some people with different experiences might say “that’s not true”, it is certainly important for creativity to have emotions to pierce through and to write down one’s experiences. Calmotin – Henomotin, I think the main character’s illness got so bad that serious people misread the katakana. If I had to answer a little sensitively, I would say that laxatives only speed up the consequences of what you eat. It is not always a good thing to simply speed up what comes as a consequence. This is related to what I said at the beginning about not knowing what hunger is. laxatives, as a body, are in a state of ‘hunger’. The body has become so, but the protagonist is looking at the impermanence of time. What kind of suffering does he have to go through to hasten a fate that is coming anyway, for example ‘mortality’. The god who controls the stage assumes that even this is a plan. The life that passes becomes a fiction that the author recalls and elaborates on many times. When does this fictional world become one of the necessary pillars that cannot be removed from the composition of the author’s life?

That would be a question for the performing arts, but he has a real name, Shuji Tsushima, but little of his personality remains as his real name. Even his wife referred to him in her memoirs as ‘Dazai’.

For those like me who believe in the Trinity, I believe that a fictional world is always protected. Osamu Dazai’s reality, ‘Shuji Tsushima’, was a betrayal of his family, his wife and Jesus Christ. He loved Jesus but betrayed him, as in the work he wrote, ‘Heed My Plea’. However, it is not clear that their actions can be called betrayal, as they were not baptised, but what they did was close to murder, so they had already broken a commandment. Reform is at odds with the question of whether anything is acceptable for the sake of art. In fact, Dazai’s alter ego Yozo is forever blameless.

An artist is solitary” is a sweet phrase for an amateur artist who seems to have assumed that he is solitary in his unprecedented deeds, solitary in his solitary existence, which brings me here to my aforementioned nude drawings. Drawing nudes is not loneliness. Rather, they are appreciated with increased competence. True solitude is to betray God. The pain is that the impulse to write is still uncertain, whether it is satanic or a revelation.

When ‘forgiveness’ is based on the original Church law, the congregation prevents isolation by ‘confessing sins’. But sins associated with the fictional world cannot be ‘confessed’. This is because they are afraid of what kind of work they will become after being forgiven after confession. Even if I wanted to confess my sins at any moment, if this confusion, this conflict encourages me to write, I can’t talk to the priest. Because literature needs ‘poison’. Even among actors, there are those who can do their job with only dialogue, without getting into the role, and there are also those who can pretend to be emotionally involved in the role and pretend to be the character. Dazai seems to have been the latter, which can be the most confusing to the mind. In the case of this work, which is considered literature, Yozo has opened the door to the life of the author ‘Osamu Dazai’. So while it is possible to separate the work from the author in the works of other writers, it is not possible in his case.

As in the story and throughout her life, Japanese life is so far removed from Christianity that no matter how much we are moved by reading the Bible, we feel that we are living without Jesus Christ. This is because we only think in terms of ‘love’. Love involves pain, and the duty of believers is ‘Atonement’ and ‘Forgiveness’. This is how we connect with Jesus. I appreciate the fact that he is aware of this karma of love, a karma that keeps running away from redemption and forgiveness, and that he was able to leave it so vividly. That is why I have Osamu Dazai’s books on my bookshelf.

As Christians, it is the most delusional thing we can do to present ourselves as clean and innocent.

Language cannot express diversity. Yet it is often not worthwhile to write about feelings that are not certain to be understood. Most of the time, words have to be chosen in accordance with people’s common perceptions. To live like them for a moment, he is the clown of the world, and the darkness from which he does not hide touches the human psyche. The language of his work seems to be simple love language and is seen as having no core, but he writes generously that he says these simple words with passion and that romance is an important force in life.

Disqualified as a human being.

I had now ceased utterly to be a human being.

I read these words over and over again, like a cut and fallen branch. My impressions changed with each age and with my mood, but Jesus is the branch cut off from the ‘world’ and in his sorrow. There is a story that God is the farmer and Jesus is the vine. (John 15) Pruning does not mean cutting off an unwanted entity, but that Jesus, the trunk, is also grieving and represents the ‘life connection’. After pruning the tree produces sap. This is compared to the tears of Jesus.

Like one of the pruned branches, he stands by as time passes. This would be the protagonist of this work, the literary voice of the flesh. This isolation did not seem far-fetched to me. For a long time I thought that Christian literature remained with God, while Japanese literature went with death. So much of Japanese literature in the past was about Thanatos. For a long time I had no doubt that, in addition to the death of the body, there is also the death of the spirit, and for some reason I did not want to throw it away. I even thought that I did not want to be a person from a country that did not understand the aesthetics of this death. Thanatos is an aesthetic different from happiness and misery, and I want to live by it. I want to feel ‘life’, sometimes being taken in, sometimes getting out, sometimes risking a second chance, sometimes despairing.

The pruned branch is to gaze irresistibly at impermanence, No longer man wrote no lies about the world of emptiness. There is no hypocrisy in his words. He went on to write about the woman with whom he had a heart-to-heart relationship, who died in the sea in Kamakura when he was a student, and he seems to have faced his own sins on many occasions. A person’s attempted suicide is different from the suicide of a loved one.

 The law cannot atone for sins, and I don’t think most people even know how to recognise their sins. We can feel that Dazai also suffered in this way. It would be terrible to carry the suffering that cannot be atoned for for the rest of one’s life if one is aware of it. Remember that Judas, who betrayed Jesus, committed suicide. You can see how important it was for Jesus Christ to carry the cross.

 The same is true of religion and literature without the ability to look at human imperfection. Connecting with Jesus through self-awareness is ‘Atonement’ and ‘forgiveness’, but it is also true that God is always present in places we are not aware of. We must not forget that God also weeps over the choice of suicide in the life given to Dazai and the woman.If God does not weep for this death: Who will?

Osamu Dazai’s ‘No longer human’ makes me look at myself when I read it. Reading a story, even if it is not Dazai’s work, is about looking at oneself. Most readers cannot easily reach Yozo because they see their own view of life, death and love. The work is a short story, but it is misleading because it does not directly mention that he was mistreated by a servant, that his wife had an affair, etc.

As for Yozo’s ‘crippling’ at the end, this may be the end of those who pursue the invisible. The holy self and the sinful self always coexist. Sinfulness leads us into the deep forest and, as in the theology of Cusanus, we look for the tree in which God is reflected. Leaving everything behind for this purpose is not something that can be done with words alone. I do not take the side of novelists who were morally respectable. I choose only those who are like pruned branches from ‘the world’. I place them next to those who have done so, especially recently. The Bible and the weak, with its relativity, is a ‘hand mirror’ for the Christian.

Thoughts of love and death are in an ascending and descending flight. Beyond the unadorned phrases, I fervently hope that the sounds and thoughts will reach somewhere, echo deeper than they did back then.

John15:1~12

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love.I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

人間失格と太宰治

最後にまだ、あなたのうちに神を探し求める道がある。すなわち、かぎられているものどもの除去の道がある。というのは、芸術家が木の魂のなかに王の顔を求める場合、
その御顔のために全てを捨て去るからである。 

ニコラス・クザーヌス
De quaerendo Deum49

「はじめに」

日本において太宰治の「人間の格」を語るとなると良い印象を持たれない。2021年現在、小林秀雄、柳田国男等の昭和の知の巨人と呼ばれる人と並ぶと、地位は高いのか低いのか、それさえも彼は定まらない。「有名」という地位であることは確かである。恐らく海外の人から見れば「文豪」であるだろうし、日本でも「文豪」ではあるが、彼は嫌われることも多い。ただ、私が太宰治を好むのは、私が太宰治を好むのは、単に話が素晴らしいからという理由ではない。三島由紀夫や谷崎純一郎等の作家を語ると、読書家が煩い。例えば、谷崎潤一郎作品の関西弁を下手に朗読した途端、「けったいな関西弁で不快やわ」と言われてしまう。それに比べて太宰治ファンは太宰の死にざまのせいか、徳が高くなかったせいか太宰を多少ミスリードしても批判されることは少ない。これほど穴場の作家はないと私は思っている。太宰文庫は夏に売れると聞くが、今でもそのようだ。彼の口語調の文体に重々たる文豪に備わっている理知的なものは存在しないと言う人もいる。当たり前に存在しているものを感性豊かな文章で書いたことは、宗教的にも哲学的にも問題提起と成り得る。そして、彼の感性というのは、国語辞書にしか載っていない特別な言葉が飾られるような技巧ではなく、極めて日常的に使われる言葉の羅列が多いことも特徴である。

二人の女性から見た太宰

太宰と関わった女性や著名人は他にも大勢いるが特に私が思う接点が深かった二人を軽く紹介する。

山崎富栄

 「死ぬ気で恋愛してみないか」と太宰治に口説かれた心中相手。太宰は学生時代にも心中事件を起こしているが、

それとは別である。学生時代の心中事件の死んだ女性について太宰は「人間失格」以外にも「道化の華」や他の作品に何度も書かれてある。太宰の結核の看病に必死、愛情を独り占めするために必死にらなければならない、と彼女はナイチンゲールのように太宰の看病をし続けた。富栄は太宰が戦後の変わりゆく日本人に対して苦悩しているということを知り、女が大きなものに巻かれて生きることしかない事を盲目に受け入れていたことに自覚する。冨栄は戦時中に、家族に行き遅れを恐れられ結婚し、その夫がフィリピンのマニラで帰らぬ人となった。彼女は未亡人となった。「所帯くずし」という言葉が存在する日本、当時の彼女の孤独を癒せるものはいなかった。富栄と太宰の心中後に、父親は娘の孤独を理解してやればよかったと後悔を残している。彼女は契約結婚とはいえ純粋にマニラに行った夫を愛していた。太宰は世間とは違い、昭和22年、6月3日に脱稿した「フォスフォレッセンス」で架空の花、phosphorescence(燐光を発すること)を中心に冨栄への愛と、夫への招魂祭を描いている。戦死した夫への愛情を何処へやったら良かったのか、富栄の鬱屈した気持ちを世間は許さなかったが、太宰だけが許し、夫への愛情も受け入れてくれた。「人間失格」は太宰治の遺作であり、冨栄が太宰を看病する中執筆された半自伝と言われている。

遺族が娘、富栄の風評被害を止めたいと日記を出版。

津島 美知子

 太宰治の妻で、夫の繰り返す不貞と我儘の中耐え抜いた。心中相手の山崎富栄の描写する太宰とは一転、そこには夫失格、暴君の太宰治が書かれてあった。太宰が「駆け込み訴え」を蜘蛛が糸を吐くように読み上げるのを書き上げただけあって文章が聡明。太宰治の文章が感傷的なら、妻の津島美知子の文章は理知的である。太宰の執筆世界の「妻」は文章が美しくない、と女として落ちぶれている女が書かれているが、現実の奥さんの文章は女としても柔らかく美しいさながら、太宰という困った夫と世間を静観している。「女生徒」は実際の若い女性の愛読者の日記に拠っている。これは「斜陽」のモデルとなった太田静子の例もあり、妻の日記には太宰にはそういった依頼が多かったようだ。女生徒の「胸のところに、小さい白い薔薇の花を詩集して置いた」というのを太宰は「赤い刺繍」と書いていた。これを「白」と言ったのは妻だそうだ。カトリックに属している私としてはこの中で誰よりも妻である津島美知子の献身的であり、夫婦、家族としての要を一人で守り、富栄よりも妻の努力を肯定せざるを得ない。この価値を理解したのは私も最近である。それだけ、家族の意味を理解するのには時間がかかるのだ。個人的な感想になるが、愛は何が素晴らしいと決定づけられないが、辛さや耐え抜いた先にもあるものだなと思わせた。愛という言葉すら陳腐になってしまうほどのものがあった。

「人間失格と太宰治」(感想)

 主人公の葉蔵は幼少期から美少年だったが、幸福というものへの思索に帰結出来ず、疑問を持っていた。彼の内部を覆う外皮、人々は彼を「仕合せ」と判断する。その言葉は何処か表面的で主人公の心には響かない。そして彼を取り巻く世界が日本の優等生かの如く、彼のような悩みを持つ者が見当たらない。主人公は世間に対して、彼等を「夜はぐっすり眠り、朝は爽快なのかしら」と思いに耽る。そして、見落とされるほどの少ない描写であるが葉蔵は子供のころに、下人に「悪戯」(性行為)されている。彼は両親に被害を訴えようとは思ったが、人間の落ちぶれている様、本質を眺めることに快感を得ていた。「道化の華」や他の作品でもこの人間失格の内容は多々見られることから、太宰は「人間失格」を書くために作家になったと定評がある。日本語という「品性」によって書かれてあるが、出来事だけを並べると仏教でいえば「人間の業」そのものである。言葉(センス)が人の中に住む「獣」を隠している、その緊張がこの作品は「道化の華」と比べて秀逸である。

葉蔵は繊細で、人間の本質を眺めることに快感を得ていた。日陰の人間に優しさを与えて、彼女らが感謝することによって自分が善人になれたような気がして酔っていた。そんな葉蔵は他郷の学校へと通うことになる。実家が最もやりにくい場所(演じにくい場所)だと彼は言っている。「道化」として周囲と調和を取って心の中を悟られないようにする。そんな中鉄棒から落ちた葉蔵を、見学していた竹一に「ワザ ワザ」(わざと)と見抜かれてしまう。葉蔵は竹一を殺したいと思うものの、それは本心ではないと思い直す。むしろ殺されたいのは自分だと意識が揺らめいていた。葉蔵は竹一を取り込んで彼の家へと行く。竹一は耳を悪くしていたので、葉蔵は彼の耳を掃除してあげると偽善の計画を立てた。すると竹一は第一の預言を葉蔵にする。

「お前は、きっと、女に惚れられるよ」

それは愛されるよ、というものではなく「惚れられる」ということだった。それがどう違うのか、好かれるというより「かまわれる」という事が如何に甘美な誘惑で不幸を招くのか彼は既に知っていた。竹一の姉妹もまた葉蔵に惚れているようだった。しかし、この時はまだ序章に過ぎなかった。竹一との交流がきっかけで、葉蔵は絵を描いてみるが、絵を描いたときに道化の自分とは正反対な陰惨な絵が仕上がった。それを見て、彼はその絵こそ自分の正体だと知るのだった。それによって「お前は、偉い絵描きになるよ」と竹一から第二の予言をされる。第二の手記の終盤は、太宰の繰り返される過去でもある「情死」事件である。葉蔵はツネ子という女と鎌倉の海に飛び込んだ。女だけは死んで、葉蔵は自殺ほう助罪で連行され、起訴猶予となった。

第三の手記の始まりで、竹一は第一の予言は当てたが、第二の予言は当てなかったようだと始まる。ここまでの流れだと、ヘッセのアウグストゥスとも似ている。アウグストゥスもまた美形で皆が彼を愛した。それによって、アウグストゥスは人を愛することを覚えず、人に酷いことをするまでになった。母親の死をきっかけに、彼は与えられた魔力であった愛されることを手放したいと懇願した。それによって彼は誰にも愛されずに、今までの行いの償いとして刑務所へ入れられる。ヘッセはキリスト教学校を抜け出したと言っても、アウグストゥスはキリスト教圏の価値観が根付いている。それは「惚れられる」というものを神の恩寵とせず「魔術」としているからである。それは宗教的な異端の魔術ではなく、メルヒェンとしてのものである。しかし、魔術だからこそ彼は手放すことが出来た。そこから彼は誰からも愛されず、嫌われながら人を愛した。マタイの福音書の5章の「心貧しい者は幸いなる」を体現するのである。

ヘッセも太宰と同じく自殺未遂をしている。共通項として彼等は二人とも聖書は愛読していたことである。特に太宰治は不倫相手の太田静子に会いに行くときも聖書を持って歩いていた。妻の回想録でも夫、太宰治は聖書を持っていたことを残している。心中相手の山崎富栄もYWCAでキリスト教とフランス語を学んだ。師匠は小林秀雄の実の妹の「高見澤潤子」だった。彼女は聖書を太宰と語り合っている。人格の違いは当然だが、ヘッセと太宰治、この分岐点は日本人の嵯峨を背負っている、と私は思わずにいられない。それは大衆キリスト教が声を張り上げる「恋と愛の違い」とは違う。多くの人が恋と愛を区別をし、愛のほうが素晴らしいと思い込んでいる。本当はそうではない。

「愛」でも「恋」でも大差ないことであり芽が出て花となり実のなる過程でしかない。大切なのは、イエスの愛を理解しながら、「贖罪」することだ。それこそアウグストゥスのように、身を粉にしなければならないこともある。それが真のキリスト信徒と、無宗教の違いである。「人間失格」の葉蔵は隣人を理解出来ないままだったが、隣人の幸福が気になって仕方なかった。人間に対して興味が持てない男の求愛は「道化」となる。父母の前でも溶け込めない葉蔵は成長するにつれて、孤独の香りが魅惑となり、女性たちに嗅ぎ当てられる。そして、彼は女性たちの秘密を守る色魔となっていく。葉蔵はバア(酒場)で飲んでいる葉蔵を止める十七歳のヨシちゃんと結婚する。彼は漸く分別のある男になり、友人の堀木と「喜劇名詞」「悲劇名詞」と感覚で云い合って酔っていた。罪の対語は「蜜」だと言った後に、妻であるヨシちゃんが下の階で他の男と不貞をしている姿を見てしまう。

ヨシ子は、信頼の天才。そうまで思っていた女性から裏切られていても、友人である堀木は葉蔵の生い立ちを知っているせいか、

「ゆるしてやれ お前だって、どうせ、ろくな奴じゃないんだから」と言ったのである。

相手の男は葉蔵に漫画を描かせている商人だった。

 葉蔵は妻が他の男と情事を重ねる本を読み漁っては、妻の秘め事であった堀木に恨みを募らせ、彼は妻との向き合い方を失っていた。「無垢なる信頼心は罪なりや」とは、聖母マリア(処女性)のように純粋だと信じ切っていた男ヨセフへの問いでもあるだろう。それは第一の手記に書かれてあった「人間への不信は必ずしもすぐに宗教の道に通じているとは限らないと、自分には思われるのですけど」「人間は、お互いの不信の中で、エホバも何も念頭に置かず、平気で生きているではありませんか「しかし、こんなのは、ほんのささやかな一例にすぎません。互いにあざむき合って、しかもいずれも不思議に何の傷もつかず、あざむきあっている事にさえ気がついていないみたいな、実にあざやかな、それこそ清く明るくほがらかな不信の例が、人間の生活に充満しているように思われます」という聖書物語は現実と乖離することと繋がっている。

 聖書を愛読しておきながら、太宰が描く葉蔵は「隣人を愛せ」である隣人の幸福が気になって仕方ないだけでなく愛し方を漸く覚えたと思えば妻に裏切られる。言葉では妻を許すと言いながら、友人を恨み、恨んだかと思えば考えが飽和する。葉蔵はより年齢に反して見た目が老いていく。今年27歳になります。白髪がめっきり増えたので、たいていの人から四十以上に見られます」というのは、これは太宰自身が40代でありながら、実際に起こしてしまった心中事件で女性だけを死なせた事への想いが込められていると思う。(実際にあるウェルナー症候群とは別として、これは心理的に寄せた一行だと全体を通して判断する)

心とは、何かもっと核があるものとして当然のごとく常に自分のところに存在しているものだと思いたい。それなのに

一向に心というものが感情として力を見せるのは「運次第」なところがある。その上、全くその思考過程が分からないという人も存在する。心と自分が離れていくような浮遊感、これを病気とするのなら解離症というが太宰には双極性障害の他に解離症もあったと推測される。幼少期の大人からへの性的暴行が事実だとするのなら、それはPTSDの影響であったのではないか。解離症は幸い、病気でありながらフランスやドイツ哲学や文学として混ざってもいたので、うまく使えば白痴から免れるところがあった。「主観」「客観」「現象」「存在」「意識」ここに疑問を持ち始めることは学問でもあった。シェークスピアの「ハムレット」のオフィーリが狂いながらも、兄が「狂人にも教訓があるとでもいうようなものだ」と彼女の散文詩は何処か意味があるように思えてしまった。オフィーリアも狂いながらも「イエスキリスト」の名は外さなかった。

Well,  God yield you!  They say the owl was a baker’s daughter. Lord, we know  what we are, but know not what we may be. God be at your  table.

――ありがとう、God yield you!  フクロウは元々はパン屋の娘、イエスから罰で姿を変えられたの。でもわたくしは違うのよ、こんな姿になってしまったのは。ねぇ、王様。私達は先のことは分かることは出来ないのよ、God be at your table.

–Ophelia

A document in madness, thought and remenbrance fitted.
――侠気にも教訓があるというものか、物を思っても忘れるなとでも言うようだな――

–Laertes

ハムレットの悲劇も人殺しの「贖罪」をしなかったことにある。これは日本文学より明確である。但し、それでも物語によって人は宗教以外の「教訓」を得てしまう。人間を知るための鏡として、人間模様の再現の舞台のように。それが文学の誘惑でもある。G・バタイユは「文学と悪」を研究するほど、清廉潔白な生活と現代文学は相性が悪い。何故ならその「悪」「弱さ」を残すことによって時に人の精神を救うからである。人間は思惑だけでは意識にはなれない。誰かの言葉によって意識化するのである。知らない誰かの言葉が、自分を形成する。より人間を知ること、それを担う文学というものは錬金術のように自分が毒に侵されながらも抽出することさえある。想像だけで書いた「愛」は大衆の想像力に当てはめやすい。人々の共通認識がその話を理解できるからである。

しかし、個性的な拗れた人生を送った作家が書いた愛の話は共感を得にくい。人の想像力では追い付かないからである。それと、イエスの磔刑の全人類を許した「愛」とは何が違うのか、それこそ「聖と俗」である。作家は自分たちが「俗」であることを自覚しなければならない。ダンテの「神曲」は今だからこそ神聖な扱いであるが当時はダンテは国外追放されたのだ。無実の文豪を私は知らない。聖と切り離してしまうことも出来ない、そのもがき苦しむことが意味があるからである。

芸術的感性は「自由の刑」に処されている、私はそう思っていた。それが20世紀以降ではないだろうか。特にサルトルの自由の刑を知る前から、子供ながらに「自由、自由、と言いながら、目に見えない世間に感謝しなければならない拷問だ」と思っていた。自分にとって神も「世間」も目に見えないものと同列だった。音感や色感、それが他人より敏感なこと、言葉で意識を噛み砕くのが他の人よりも繊細であること、それらは自由と言われながら、そうではない。その抱えた感情をどうしたらいいのか、誰も教えることは出来ない。どうしたらいいのか、藻掻いて探す他なかった。プラトンのイデアという「美」という理想があるとすれば、対義語は「現象」であるだろう。そしてもっと現象は哲学言語や芸術感性にとって美しい皮を被ることがあるが、無自覚に「人間失格」で有名な「それは世間が許さない」の「世間」にもなる。「世間というのは、君じゃないか」太宰は、見事に文学として宗教や哲学用語に依拠せずに適格な言葉を残したように思う。それだけで私は太宰に脱帽している。

 更に、「世間が許さないのではなく貴方」と世間という他人を装う名もなき人を彼はしっかりと掴んだ。それは「貴方」なんだと、世間という大きなものの影にかくれる卑怯な人格を彼は掴んだ。世間から削り取られていく自我と、当時の訳ありの女性たちは似ていたのかもしれない。女性は特に若ければ独身、次に家庭の中にいなければ人権が無いようなものだった。未亡人となれば、結婚を手段としてまた儀式的な再婚が待っている。川端康成を始め、彼を酷評する専門家は大勢いたが、彼を肯定してくれる女性たちによって、彼は生き始める。「人間失格」の葉蔵はその一人だろう。

存在を定義つけるものは、頭の中だけなのか。それとも「世間」か戸籍か、全ての理知的な哲学、神学を一蹴するものは何か、エロスとタナトスが抱擁した時である。エゴン・シーレの「死と乙女」にはエロスに生きようという衝動と安定的に生きたいというシーレの卑怯な人間性が死神に現れている。これも一つのシーレの「人間失格」だろう。遠目で見ていると、抱擁によって一蓮托生のようにも見えてしまう。けれども細部を見てみると、女はしっかりと死神を抱いているが、死神は女性の肩に手をかけている。この遠目では気づけない力加減は「人間失格」である。シーレの美は、宗教絵画のような美ではない。人間にとって神の光も目に見えないが、醜さも同等に隠すからである。人はどちらも見つけるとその存在に恍惚になる。だから神の光と人間模様は常に聖と俗を切り離せずに人々の芸術となってきた。

エゴン・シーレ「死と乙女」

シーレが十代をモデルにして逮捕され、教会との対立があった。私が十代の頃には自分自身がモデルになって好きに描けた。自画像は顔だけとは限らない。早くうまくなるには自分をモデルにすることだと教えてもらったので、私は自分の裸体を描き続けた。昔の人にとっての斬新さは現代において無意味になっていた。当時の自分にとって未経験なのは「愛」だけだった。中世の画家が人間の解剖をして人間を知ろうとしたことを、崇拝するような教えが多く、それが退屈で仕方なかった。文明と進化、それで私達は有難いと思うらしい。それは葉蔵の「空腹がわからない」というのと当時は重ねていた。若い頃に読む文学というのは体験と経験が足りているわけでもないので、想像によって、もしくは脳が錯覚して類似点で認識していく。それが他人から見れば、「全く違う」と言われることになっても、そうやって物事を認知していく他なかった。何故当たり前の「空腹」で人は言葉にするのか?というのと、当たり前に裸体ぐらい見れるのに、エロスをがキリスト教から離れたことについて斬新なアイディアのように現代美術は言うのか、それをよく重ねていた。いつしか、裸体、骨格を私の指先は覚えたようで、様々な想像上の人物を描いた。成人ヌードはいつでも手に入る。風俗に行けば、女でも陰部を簡単に見せてくれる。絵を描き始めたきっかけは、子供のころに色彩感覚が褒められたからだった。他の理由は忘我したように時間が過ぎて、自分の指で何かを成し遂げる、自分の小世界を作ることは楽しかった。ただ起きて、似たような毎日を過ごす中で、哲学的なことや、神を考えること、それを「表現」することによって何処かで世界の真理と繋がることがあるのか、それを夢見ながら書き続けた。プラトンの「イデア」のようにいつも何かを見つけられることを探していた。それは美しいものなのか、結局のところ探したいのは「自分」でもあった。否、今の自分を認められない自分が、新たな自分を作ろうとしていた、それが一番強いのだろう。しかし幼いというのは過去に何かあるのか、というほど過去が揃っていない。過去の温存がまだ中途半端だからだ。だから、未来への自分、新しい自分を作れることを期待する。それが私の若さだった。作品賞の批評で大人がバカにしたように「自分探しの作品は稚拙そのものだ」とよく言っていた。恐らく何点もの作品に見せられる「自我への問い」に飽き飽きしていたのだろう。そういう人は太宰治も決まって嫌い、太宰の批判をする。太宰は絵描きではなかったが、こういう場でも例として出てきてしまう。しかも悪い例として出てきてしまう、それほどの存在だということは凄いことかもしれない。

けれどもそういう人に限ってエゴン・シーレは褒める。教会との対立が日本人にとっては自我を貫いているように見えるようで、尊敬しているそうだ。話を聞きながら似てるようなものなのに、と私は心の中で笑った。私はこの当時、「人間失格」の内容の趣旨は分からなかったが、睡眠薬のカルモチンと下剤のヘノモチンを間違えて笑う心境を独自に重ねていた。きっとこの人は二人ともよく知らなくて、大恥をかくことも知らずに取り違えているのだと。私はこの時はこれが「喜劇名詞」なのかどうかまで分からなかった。喜劇とは滑稽な人間の様を笑う、本来は人間の哀しみである。この語りは所謂、私の思い出話で経験が違う人は「それは違う」という人も出てきたとしても、突き切る感情があること、自分の経験を書き尽くすこと、それが創造性にとって重要だということは確かだろう。カルモチンーヘノモチン、真面目な人はカタカナを読み間違えるほど主人公の病気が悪化したと思う。少し感性的に答えるのなら、下剤は食べたものの結末を速めるだけだと答える。結果としてくることを安易に早めてしまうことは良いこととは限らない。それは、冒頭の空腹というものが分からないという話とつなげることが出来る。食と下剤、肉体としては「空腹」状態である。身体はそうなったが、主人公は時間の無常に目を向けている。どうせ訪れる運命を速めることがどんな苦しみを持つのか、例えば「死期」もそうだ。舞台を司る神は、それすらも計画だとする。一切過ぎていく月日の出来事が、作者が経験を何度も噛み砕いて虚構となって、後に外せない必要な柱の一本になってしまったのはいつなのか?

それこそ舞台芸術の問いになりそうだが、彼には津島修二という本名があるが、その本名としての人格が殆ど残っていない。妻ですらも主人を「太宰」という名前で回想録に残していた。

私のように信仰がある者にとっては、虚構世界の中は守られていると思う。太宰である津島修二は家族や妻にとって、そしてイエス・キリストを裏切っている。彼が書いた「駆け込み訴え」のように、イエスを愛しながら裏切っていた。但し、彼等の行いは洗礼を受けてはいないので裏切っているとまで言えるかどうか定かではないが、殺人に近いので戒律は既に犯している。しかし太宰の分身、葉蔵は永遠に咎められることがない。「芸術家とは孤独」とは、アマチュア芸術家にとって甘美な言葉で、破天荒な行いで孤独になる、孤高な存在で孤独になると思い込んでいたようだが、ここで私の裸体の話に繋がる。本当の孤独とは神を裏切ることである。それでも書かなければならないという衝動が、悪魔的なのか啓示なのか不明なことが痛みである。

本来の教会法に基づいた「赦し」であるのなら、信徒は「罪の告白」によって孤立を防ぐ。けれども、虚構世界と繋がってしまった罪は「罪の告白」をすることが出来ない。許されてしまった後、どんな作品になってしまうのか怖いからだ。今にも罪を打ち明けたいと思っていたとしても、この混乱が、葛藤が執筆を勧めるのなら、神父には語れない。文学には「毒」が必要だからである。役者にも、役に入らず台詞だけで仕事をこなせる役者と、役に感情移入して成り済まして演じる役者もいる。太宰は、一番精神を混乱しかねない後者だったように思う。文学としての評価はこの作品の場合は、葉蔵は作者「太宰治」の人生の入り口を開けてしまっている。だから、他の作家の作品は作品と作者を切り離すことに成功できても、彼の場合は出来ないのである。

作中にあったように、そして彼等の人生を通してあるように、幾ら聖書を読んで感動したところで、イエスキリストと無関係で私達は生きていると思うほど、日本の生活はキリスト教とは離れている。妄信以外は皆、同じ体感だろう。それは「愛」のみでしか考えないからだ。愛に痛みが伴うこと、信徒の義務として「贖罪」と「許し」がある。これらを通して私達はイエスと繋がっていく。贖罪と許しから逃げ続けた恋慕、この業という業を自覚し、ここまで鮮明に残せたことは私は評価している。だから、私は太宰治の本は本棚に残している。キリスト教徒としてそれは自分は清廉潔白だと区別していまうこと、これが一番の妄信だと思うからだ。

 言葉で多様性は表現出来ない。それなのに理解されるか不確かな感情を書くことは報われないことが多い。大半は人の共通認識に合わせて言葉を選ばなければならない。彼等のように刹那に生きること、彼は世間の道化であり、彼の隠れなかった闇は人の精神に触れてくる。彼の作品の言葉は単純な愛の言葉のようで、芯が無いように見られるが、その単純な言葉を熱を込めて言ってくれること、ロマンは生きる上で重要な力になることを惜しみなく書いている。

「人間、失格」

もはや、自分は、完全に、人間で無くなりました。

この剪定されて落ちた枝のような言葉を私は何度も繰り返し読んだ。年齢ごとや気分によって感想は変わっていたが、「世間」から切り離された枝、その哀しみにイエスはいる。神は農夫でイエスは葡萄の木という話がある。(ヨハネの福音書15章)剪定とは、要らない存在を斬ることではなく、幹であるイエスも悲しんでいるという意味であり、「命の繋がり」を表している。剪定した後の木は樹液を出す。それをイエスの涙と例えられる。

剪定された枝の一つのように、時が過ぎ去るのを傍観する。それがこの作中の主人公であり、文学者の肉声だろう。私はこの孤立が遠い存在のように思えなかった。長らく私はキリスト教圏の文学は神と共に残っているが、日本文学は死と一緒に残すものだと信じていた。それほど過去の日本文豪はタナトスが多い。肉体の死と他に、精神の瀕死が存在すると昔から疑わなかったのと、それを何故か捨てたいとは思わなかった。この死の美学が分からない国の人になりたくない、とすら思っていた。タナトスとは幸福や不幸とまた別の美学であって、それによって生きたいのである。時々、取り込まれながら、抜け出しながら、再起を賭けたり絶望したりを繰り返して、「生」を感じていたいのである。

剪定された枝は無抵抗で無常を見つめること、「人間失格」は「世間」というものについて、嘘は書かなかった。彼の言葉には偽善がないのである。学生時代に鎌倉の海で死なせてしまった心中相手の女性について書き続けた彼は、何度も自分の罪とは向き合っていたように思う。一人の自殺未遂と、愛した人を巻き込んだ自殺はまた違う。

 法律では償えなった罪、大半の人間は罪の自覚の仕方すら知らないように思う。太宰もまたそのように苦しんでいたように感じ取れる。一生、償えない苦しみを自覚したら背負うことは恐ろしいだろう。イエスを裏切ったユダが自殺をしたのを思い出してほしい。イエスキリストが十字架を背負った事が如何に重要だったのかが分かる。

 人の不完全さを見つめる力がなければ宗教も文学も成り立たないのは同じである。自覚によってイエスと繋がることは「贖罪」と「赦し」であるが、常に意識していないところに神がいるのも真意である。太宰と女性の与えられた生涯に、自死という選択があったことに、神も泣いているということを忘れてはならない。この世界、神(愛)が泣かないとするのなら、第三者の死を愛をもって誰が泣くのだろうか。

太宰治の「人間失格」は特に読みながら自分を見てしまう。太宰作品でなくても話を読むというのは、皆、自分を見つめている。大半の読者は自分の死生観、恋愛観を見てしまうので、容易に葉蔵に辿り着かない。下人に悪戯された、妻が不倫された等を直接的に書いていないがために短編でありながらミスリードが多い作品だと思う。

 最後の葉蔵が「廃人」になったことについて、それは目に見えないものを追いかけた者の末路なのかもしれない。聖なる自分と、罪深い自分は常に共存する。罪深さが深い森へと案内とし、クザーヌス神学のように神が映る木を探す。そのために全てを捨て去るというのは、言葉だけではどうにもならない。私は道徳的に立派だった小説家を傍に置かない。私が選ぶのは「世間」から剪定された枝のような存在ばかりだ。特に最近はそうしている傍に置く。聖書と弱いもの、その相対性を持つことはキリスト者にとって、それは「手鏡」ではないだろうか。

愛や死に抱く想いは、上昇と下降を繰り返す。単純な言い回しの裏で、あの頃よりも音と思惑が深く響きながら何処かへ届くように、希っている。

(この記事は2021年の加筆版です)

再起:悪い状態から立ち直ること

ヨハネの福音書15章(1~12)

わたしはまことのぶどうの木、わたしの父は農夫である。
 わたしにつながっている枝で実を結ばないものは、父がすべてこれをとりのぞき、実を結ぶものは、もっと豊かに実らせるために、手入れしてこれをきれいになさるのである。
あなたがたは、わたしが語った言葉によって既にきよくされている。 わたしにつながっていなさい。そうすれば、わたしはあなたがたとつながっていよう。枝がぶどうの木につながっていなければ、自分だけでは実を結ぶことができないように、あなたがたもわたしにつながっていなければ実を結ぶことができない。 わたしはぶどうの木、あなたがたはその枝である。もし人がわたしにつながっており、またわたしがその人とつながっておれば、その人は実を豊かに結ぶようになる。わたしから離れては、あなたがたは何一つできないからである。 人がわたしにつながっていないならば、枝のように外に投げすてられて枯れる。人々はそれをかき集め、火に投げ入れて、焼いてしまうのである。 あなたがたがわたしにつながっており、わたしの言葉があなたがたにとどまっているならば、なんでも望むものを求めるがよい。そうすれば、与えられるであろう。 あなたがたが実を豊かに結び、そしてわたしの弟子となるならば、それによって、わたしの父は栄光をお受けになるであろう。 父がわたしを愛されたように、わたしもあなたがたを愛したのである。わたしの愛のうちにいなさい。 もしわたしのいましめを守るならば、あなたがたはわたしの愛のうちにおるのである。それはわたしがわたしの父のいましめを守ったので、その愛のうちにおるのと同じである。 わたしがこれらのことを話したのは、わたしの喜びがあなたがたのうちにも宿るため、また、あなたがたの喜びが満ちあふれるためである。わたしのいましめは、これである。わたしがあなたがたを愛したように、あなたがたも互に愛し合いなさい。

Remembering L’ Amant(English.ver)

je suis la préférée de sa vie


I am his favourite part of life

L'histoire de ma vie n'existe pas. Ça n'existe pas. IL n'y a jamais de centre.


My life story doesn't exist, there is no such thing. There is no core to create a story.

(L’amant:Marguerite Duras)

Zoetrope

We became beautiful even the things we fought about when the storm passed. Love erases what was bothersome through the purification of memory. The cruel parts and the painful things evaporate. Perhaps if one could go looking for a ‘shape’ (a pebble) lying on the banks of the river of oblivion, it would be one of the many stones that have been uniformly arranged. In those days, even if you thought of it as a special gem, it would have rolled away without being polished. Because it was too much work to pick him up, it was the end, As long as it was too much work to go looking for him, it was the end.

My boyfriend of a few years asked me what my first love was like, and I spoke in a haze, my semi-questioning narrative tone mixing with my English. I would call out ‘maybe’ as if it were not my own experience. This usage would inherently be a strange sensation in English-speaking countries. Maybe it’s my memory, maybe it’s strange. Nevertheless, it is ‘Maybe’ when it comes to my memory.

This ‘L’ Amant’ by Duras is probably a memory of his first love. The protagonist has not recognised love in the work for a long time. In my experience, men often remember their first love stories.

He remembers his first lover vividly. It was as if that woman would come to the surface and stand just by listening to him. I can even see the two of them kissing in hiding in an unmanaged cinema in a foreign country. The words he spoke were like a simple picture of a zoetrope, an easy to understand scene, but his memories were in constant motion, as if they were untainted.

I reflected back on his clean afterimage on the metro train on the way home. His narrative of ‘she’ seemed to love him all the time. The date they made love, which never came back, but the way he narrated it was love. Perhaps it was not jealousy of the other woman, but jealousy of the way he remembered her and her kindness. Because I could not remember in that way. It was at this point that I thought back to Marguerite Duras’s Mistress – Laman. I felt defeated that she remembered her first love with an overseas Chinese, which must have been her talent as a writer. I was not sure about my first partner, because I didn’t remember mine very well. My undifferentiated adolescent thoughts were deeply rooted, probably because it was a painful experience. The only way for my wretched self to remain rational was through contemplation, including philosophy. When the surprises from him were gone, all I could hope for was my own inspiration. *Pure ego was a difficult thing. Once I lost the way I related and functioned and positioned myself as someone I was not supposed to love, I would not allow myself to have loved. The past always pulled my choices. So I keep forgetting for the sake of the new man. I found that if I mixed alcohol with stabilisers, the memories of yesterday would fly away like in a drama or a film. Even the notes I wrote down because I missed him are forgotten in the morning. I remembered that and I kept forgetting as a break. Yet, the only thing that accompanies me and grows with me is the ego. How I spoke of love, even though I was lonely, was also affected by my growth. The words of love remain, but the feelings of that time are gone from me. I no longer rejoice and love as I did on past anniversaries. I revise those poor words, as if I were reading someone else’s novel, and transcribe them as if I were loving the ‘time’. This has become my style of writing, which is regarded as calm.

Returning to L’ Amant, the characters in the work have no names. The film creates a moment in human history when names cannot be left in history. The family of a girl who has been deceived and impoverished lives in Indochina, a French territory. There, the girl spends an affair with an older overseas Chinese man she meets. The man was contractually married to another woman, but he tells the girl he loves her. However, the girl tells him that it was for money. After the wedding, the girl waits at the ‘usual place’ for him to come back, but he never arrives. The girl, who can return home thanks to his ‘support money’, notices that his car is parked. She puts her elbows on the handrail, just as she did when they met.

The scene on the boat, where the girl realises she loved him, has entered the minds of many readers.

The realisation that ‘I am no longer sure that I did not love him’ and the death of the younger brother, whom the girl loved, overshadowed the realisation. Chopin’s Waltz No. 10 in B minor, OP 69-2, which echoed on the vessel, was the piece that led the girl to give up the piano, but it must have finally completed in her mind. The inability of the fingers to keep up with the score as she faced it signaled the end of her as a performer. Yet in the written world she completed Chopin’s music. She succeeded in making the reader listen. She used the novel to make Chopin heard. Such a player has never existed.

The word image, which appears frequently in the work, Duras described all the glances and memories of her girlhood as images. In French, image can also mean reproduction or replica. The girl in the work is also a likeness of herself. In the film, the scene in which the girl’s feet are placed on the vessel railings is made to look impressive.

Regardless of human sentimentality and the search for love, the Mekong River flows unchanged, passing trade and people. Water has no ego, no desire, and while it lives, it invites death. The Mekong River has always existed, but it carries so many people that the water flow does not remember. Where does the ‘moment’ go, where does it go through the ego? Where does lust go when it stirs so many hearts? Where do touches and expectations go? Memory does not contract eternity, it forgets as it grows old. Recollection, that ship of remembrance, seldom departs. It is easy to write about yesterday’s lost love. But it lacks the ingredient of ‘time’ to say that it was love. Only the story of wanting to believe it was love is made up. It is only when you really try to make it a ‘work of art’ for love that you realise the meaning of that sailing. Who decides on that sailing? I realise that it is divine.

The vessel can be traced back to whether it was true if there was a record of that sailing, but nothing can remember whether the girl was in love or not. The girl puts her elbow (or foot, in the film) on the fence of the vessel. The essence of the imago had no foothold, but the vessel was the only evidence of contact with the entity. Why did Duras write about her memories of her teenage years, month after month? Speculation and the reader’s curiosity became the wind that ruffled the girl’s hair and, safely, she succeeded in preserving her first love. Like the success of a long cruise. The first divine revelation for the girl was on the vessel . The first time after she left the overseas Chinese, until she realised it was a gift from God. It is impossible to see the wake waves she noticed in the darkness. The pattern of the water surface under the vessel is left to the imagination. She can only wait for the next divine revelation to see how difficult it is to try to write that pattern.

Regardless of human sentimentality and the search for love, the Mekong River flows unchanged, passing trade and people. Water has no ego, no desire, and while it lives, it invites death. The Mekong River has always existed, but it carries so many people that the water flow does not remember. Where does the ‘moment’ go, where does it go through the ego? Where does lust go when it stirs so many hearts? Where do touches and expectations go? Memory does not contract eternity, it forgets as it grows old. Recollection, that ship of remembrance, seldom departs. It is easy to write about yesterday’s lost love. But it lacks the ingredient of ‘time’ to say that it was love. Only the story of wanting to believe it was love is made up. It is only when you really try to make it a ‘work of art’ for love that you realise the meaning of that sailing. Just who decides on that sailing? I realise that it is divine.

The vessel can be traced back to whether it was true if there was a record of that sailing, but nothing can remember whether the girl was in love or not. The girl puts her elbow (or foot, in the film) on the fence of the vessel. The essence of the imago had no foothold, but the vessel was the only evidence of contact with the entity. Why did Duras write about her memories of her teenage years, month after month? Speculation and the reader’s curiosity became the wind that ruffled the girl’s hair and, safely, she succeeded in preserving her first love. Like the success of a long cruise. The first divine revelation for the girl was on the boat. The first time after she left the overseas Chinese, until she realised it was a gift from God. There was no way she could see the wake waves she noticed in the darkness. The pattern of the water surface under the vessel is left to the imagination. She can only wait for the next divine revelation to see how difficult it is to try to write that pattern.

I know that a secret relationship, like a shady relationship, is a disconnected world between the two of us. I know too that we don’t introduce it to our friends and we don’t talk about it with our families. The advantage lies in not showing the ugly side. The ones with a time limit, such as an overseas Chinese who has to return to proper upbringing for a girl, who will marry someone else in the future, don’t show the ugly part. Even though it is only destined to be the dinner in which it is convenient, human greed wants to cross the borders it protects. The man decides to live with her, but the girl refuses. The fact that the girl not understand the ending was the place where she would come to the usual meeting after the man’s marriage. She thought he would come to embrace her again. Understanding the significance of that not coming, love is objectified, and the author writes while acting out her girlhood.

The happy memories modulate into a transposed and melancholy narrative when the relationship ends.

As she said, ‘I am eighteen and old.’

But that is not enough to write about love. Cruelly, when you write about love between people, you have to love the past again. Worst of all, you have to love him in the past again. You have to love him in the past again, even if he belongs to someone else and has forgotten you. It can be a cruel thing to love a time that will never return. This seems a cruel task, but the writer may embrace this cruelty. Because it is a divine revelation.

Last

Sad narratives carry more expectations than words. The heart is not confined to the frame of words, but the heart is an image and a dream. The memories of the past seem to dream that the story is only sad now, but that one day it can be told that it was ‘love’.

Even if it is a sad story, the past becomes love in the hands of the writer. Lost love waits with the brightest of loneliness to be picked up as a precarious foothold. Always waiting for the other side to not fail to pick it up, too.

Even the things I didn’t want to talk about at that dinner, and even the very people I was with at that dinner, are waiting on the other side. For example, in my case, even the words of a prayer, but on the way to get there, there is an accumulation of things that I have drunkenly discarded. It is God who sees through that. Memories mean returning to the hiding place again and again, but in that hiding place, I see the light that shines into the bedroom, which has gone from passion to emptiness. If you have seen the light, it is a God-given revelation.

L’ Amant-Japanese

je suis la préférée de sa vie
私は彼の人生のお気に入り
L'histoire de ma vie n'existe pas. Ça n'existe pas. IL n'y a jamais de centre.
私の人生の物語というものは存在しない、そんなものは存在しない。物語を作るための中心なんてないのだ。
(L’amant:Marguerite Duras)

Saは所有形容詞 

ゾートロープ

 嵐が過ぎ去ると争ったことですら美しくなる。愛に関する事は記憶の純化によって煩わしかったことを消してしまう。残酷な部分も、辛かったことも蒸発してしまう。恐らく、忘却の河のほとりに「形」が転がっていることを探しに行くことが出来るとすれば、均一に整えられた多くの石の中の一つとなっているのだろう。当時は、特別に尖っては宝石のように思っていても、磨かれることもなく転がっていったものだ。拾いに行くことも億劫なほどにそれは終わったことを表している。

 数年前に付き合っていた人に、初恋を尋ねられたが、私は靄がかかりながらも半疑問形の語り口調が英語に混ざりながら話してしまった。それはまるで自分の経験じゃないかのように、「Maybe」を連呼する。この使い方は本来、英語圏では不思議な感覚だろう。自分の記憶なのにMaybe、それは変な話なのかもしれない。それでも私の記憶に関しては「Maybe」なのである。

デュラスのこの「愛人/ラマン」は初恋なのだろう。主人公は長らく作中では愛に気づいていない。私の経験上、男性はよく初恋の話を覚えていると思う。

彼は初めての恋人を鮮明に覚えていた。彼の話を聞くだけでその女性が表れて立ってくるようだった。二人が異国の管理が行き届いていない映画館で隠れてキスをしたのまで見えてくる。彼の語る言葉はゾートロープの単純な絵のような、分かりやすい情景だったが彼の思い出は汚れを知らないように一定に動いている。

「良い思い出ですね」と返すと、「クリスの思い出も良い思い出だった?」という彼の言葉に、

昔のことを何度も聞かれることに対して「Is it such a big deal?(それはそんなに重要なこと?)」と言ったときに、フォークの落下音が皿に響いた。

帰りの地下鉄列車の中で彼の綺麗に残っている残像映像を思い返していた。彼の語る「彼女」は彼をずっと愛しているようだった。彼等が愛し合った日付、それは二度と戻ってこないが、その語り口が愛だった。それは自分の胸を焦がしていく。相手の女性へではなく彼の記憶の仕方に嫉妬したのかもしれない。彼の「その優しさに」。私はそのように記憶が出来なかったからだ。この時に、マルグリット・デュラスの「愛人‐ラマン」を思い返した。彼女が華僑の人との初恋を覚えていた事を、それは作家としての才能なのだろうと敗北感があった。初めての相手なんてものは、私もよく覚えていない。相手よりも未分化だった思春期の思惟が根深くなっただけだった。きっとそれが辛い思い出で、自分を惨めにしたのだろう。惨めな自分が理性を保てる方法は、哲学を含めた観想しかない。彼からのサプライズがなくなれば、頼ることは自分の閃きのみになる。*純粋自我なんてものは難しいことだった。関係の仕方、機能の仕方を失い、「愛してはいけない人」と位置づけが決まってしまったら、愛していたということも自分の中で許さなくなってくる。いつも過去が私の選択を引っ張った。だから、新しい男のために忘れ続ける。安定剤に酒を混ぜて飲めば、ドラマのように昨日の記憶が飛ぶことを十代で覚えた。返事がこなくても、孤独な夜が訪れようとも、書き残したことも、相手に送ることなく下書きへと回して、薬とアルコールがあれば明日には忘れてしまう。機種変更でもすれば、その記録は跡形もなく消えてしまう。何台もあの頃は携帯電話を破棄に出せた。手書きでは残るので当時は残さなかった。それでも、自分と連れ添って一緒に成長してくれるのは、「自我」のみ。だから私はその時の内面世界は覚えているが、相手への感情は思い出せない。自己形成だけは私から離れることはなかった。孤独でありながらも愛をどのように語るかも私の成長に罹っていた。愛の言葉は残るが、その時の感情は私から消えている。もう過去の日付けのように喜ぶことも、愛することもない。私は他人の小説を読むように、その拙い言葉を修正し、「時」を愛しているように書き起こす。それが冷静だと評価される私の文体となった。

映画「愛人(ラマン)」より

 「ラマン」の話に戻ると作品の登場人物は名前が無い。名前を歴史に残せない人間の刹那を描いているようだった。騙されて貧困層になった少女の家族は仏領土のインドシナに住んでいた。そこで出会った年上の華僑の男性と少女は情事を過ごす。男は他の女と契約結婚が決まっていたが、男は少女に愛していると言う。しかし、少女は「お金のためだった」と彼に言う。挙式後、彼がまた来てくれると少女は「いつもの場所」で待つが彼は来なかった。彼の「支援金」のお陰で故郷に帰れる少女は、彼の車が停まっていることに気づく。出会った時と同じように彼女は手摺りに肱をつく。

少女が華僑の男を愛していたと気づいた船の上のシーンは多くの読者の心に入り込んだ。

「愛していなかったという確信がなくなった」という自覚と、少女が愛していた下の兄の死が覆いかぶさる。船で響いたショパンのワルツ第10番、ロ短調OP69‐2は少女がピアノを断念するきっかけになった曲だったが、漸く彼女の中で完走したのだろう。楽譜という完成された存在を目の当たりにしながら、指が追いつかないというものは演奏者としての終わりを知らせる。けれども、彼女は文章世界ではショパンの音楽を完成させた。読者に聞かせることに成功したのである。彼女は小説を使ってショパンを聞かせたのである。そのような奏者は嘗ていない。

作中に度々登場するimage(イマージュ)という言葉、デュラスは少女時代の視線や記憶をすべてimageと表した。フランス語では、イマージュとは再現、生き写しという意味もある。作品の少女は自身の似姿ということにもなる。これは少女というimageと、著者にとっての再現のimageが同時進行として話が進んでいくが、船の柵に足をかけるシーンを映画では印象的に作られる。

人間の感傷深さと愛の探り合いと関係無く、メコン河は貿易や人を渡しながら変わらず流れていく。水は自我が無く、欲求もなく、生命を営みながら、死を誘う。メコン河は常に存在しているが、多くの人を運んで水流は記憶しない。「瞬間」というものは何処へ行くのか、自我を通って何処へ行くのか。沢山心を搔き乱した欲情は何処へ行くのか。触れた事や、期待は何処へ行ってしまうのか。記憶は永遠を契約してはくれるものでもなく、老いていけば忘れてしまう。想起という、その船が出発することは滅多に無い。昨日の失恋を書くことは容易い。けれどもそれは愛だったと言えるのには「時間」という材料が足りていない。愛だと信じたいだけの作品が完成する。出航の意味を知るのは本当に愛のために「作品」にしようとした時なのだ。その出航を決めるのは誰なのか、それは神がかり的だと気づく。

船はその船便があったのか記録があれば事実だったかどうか辿ることが出来るが、少女が恋をしていたかどうかを覚えてくれているものはない。イマージュの本質は足場がないが、少女が船の柵に肱をつく(映画では足をかける)。唯一、船とは実体に触れた証拠だった。デュラスが十代の頃の思い出を何故、月日を経て書いたのか。憶測や読者の好奇心は少女の髪をなびかせる風となり、無事、彼女は初恋の温存に成功したのである。長い船旅の成功のように。少女にとって神の啓示の一回目は船の上だった。彼女にとって航跡波は暗闇の中で見えるはずがない。船の下の水面の模様は想像に委ねられる。その模様を書こうということが如何に難しいのか、次の神の啓示を待つしかない。

 隠れて付き合うというような日陰の関係というものは、二人だけの断絶された世界である。友人にも紹介せず、家族にも話さないことを私も知っている。利点は醜いところは見せないところにある。華僑の人が将来は別の人と結婚する、少女には適正な育成に戻さなければならない「いつまでも続くわけではない」そういう期限つきものは醜いものを見せずに済む。都合が良いところを味わうディナーのつもりでも、人の欲というものは守っている境界線を越えたがる。不味い不慣れな酒に手を伸ばすように、人は止められない。男は、彼女と暮らそうと決意するが、少女のほうが拒んだ。少女は終わりを理解していなかったというのは、男の結婚式の後にいつもの逢瀬の場所に来てしまうところにあった。彼が来てくれると、少女は待ってしまったのだ。その、来なかった意味を理解して、愛は客観視されながら、そして作者は少女時代の自分を演じながら書いていく。

楽しかった思い出は、関係が終わると転調し憂いた語りに変調する。

「十八歳で年老いた」と言った彼女のように。しかしそれだけでは愛は書けない。残酷なことに、人同士の愛を書くときは、もう一度過去を愛さなければならない。最悪は、また過去の彼を愛さなければならない。過去の彼は誰かのものになって、自分のことを忘れていても、過去の彼をまた愛さなければならない。二度と戻らない時間を、愛することは、残酷なことでもある。これは残酷な作業のようだが、作家はこの残酷を受け入れることがあるのかもしれない。それが神の啓示だから。

さいごに

 物悲しい語りは、言葉以上に期待を背負っている。言葉という枠に囚われず、心はイマージュとなって夢を見ている。今は悲しいだけの話だが、いつか「愛」だったと語れることを、過去の思い出は夢見ている。哀しい話であっても、過去は作家の手の中で愛になる。失った愛は不安定な足場となって拾ってくれることを、孤独を一番輝かせて待っている。持ち主が拾い損ねないことを常にあちら側も待ってる。

 あのディナーで語りたくなかった事でさえも、そしてあのディナーで一緒にいた人そのものも、あちら側で待っている。例えば私の場合は主の祈りの言葉であっても、そこまでに行きつく道のりに、酔って捨てたものも蓄積されている。それを見通すのが神である。思い出というのは何度も隠れ家に戻るが、情熱から虚無を吸った寝室に差し込む光を見ることになる。一人心の中で瞬く何か、それは啓示と言えるだろう。

*純粋自我 フッサール

Anniversary of one’s passing English.ver

ChrisKyogetu Acrylic painting(2004)incomplete
Do not grieve, do not mourn, Ananda. We have together taught. I have taught that all that is beloved and dear is a being that is parted and separated. How can we say, "O, don't tear it down," when it is born, exists, is formed, and is broken? It cannot be so. Thou hast done a good deed, O Ananda. You have done a fine deed. You will be pure in no time.

Today, the 17th of August, is the anniversary of the death of a friend. Sometimes I wonder if the soul of a friend misses this world, if he misses the world that we talked about as being boring together.

I sometimes talk to Buddhists, including him. “Do not grieve, do not mourn, Ananda. We have together taught”

We have preached this together.”

At that time, I tell them that I like the words of the Buddha.  Ananda was suffering from separation from love and Buddha was enlightened. This contrast is typical of Buddhism.

He was sitting alone with his macbook in his favorite cafe.

He didn’t tell me anything about his physical weakness.

He didn’t tell me anything about his health.

After his death, the songs he wrote were not accessible by password.

I joined Mixcloud for his songs, but his songs had disappeared.

I still get Mixcloud notifications that I haven’t unsubscribed from.

I get Facebook birthday notifications and his age keeps increasing.

I had been posting on his timeline every year on his birthday.

I had to recreate the old account myself and I couldn’t find him.

When I was told that he had passed away, I tried to find traces of him as if in a panic, and I felt impatient that I couldn’t do it while he was still alive. There was not much to report this year.

In the years since he died, there has been nothing to report.

 And even now I have nothing to tell him.

Because it was not the future he wanted.

We talked about the future of the world, of Japan, and I was pessimistic and he was hopeful.

The world was not what he had said it would be.

I wondered if his soul would still love this world.

I thought so.

 In faith, it is the dead who know the facts about the gods and Buddhas with whom they have talked.

In my letter to him I wrote “In a letter to him I wrote: “You have gone to the answer

More than the words of our prayers, more than the reach of our hearts and hands, the dead are always beyond the imagination of the living.

The dead are always beyond the imagination of the living. I remember him laughing and saying.

“I want a chance.”

I never thought that a few words could leave such a deep impression on me.

The everyday, always ordinary, can become a lifetime of scars and sayings in relation to others.

The cancer that had consumed him as a young man took him away as speedily as it could.

We still have a chance.

Anniversary of one’s passing

ChrisKyogetu Acrylic painting(2004)incomplete

悲しむなかれ、嘆くなかれ、アーナンダ。私は説いてきた。最愛で、いとしいすべてのものたちは、別れ離ればなれになり、別々になる存在だと。生まれては、存在し、形成され、壊れていくもの、それを「ああ、壊れるなかれ」ということがどうして得られようか。そのようなことはあり得ないのだ。(略)アーナンダよ、汝は善い行いをした。精進することに専修せよ。速やかに汚れのないものとなるだろう。

本日8月17日は或る友人の命日になる。時々思うのが、友の魂はこの世を恋しくなるものなのだろうか、共に退屈だと語り合ったこの世を恋しくなるのだろうか、そう思う。

彼も含めて私は仏教徒と話すことがある。「悲しむなかれ、嘆くなかれ、アーナンダ。共に説いてきたではないか」その時に、この仏滅の言葉が好きだと話す。アーナンダは愛別離苦に苦しみ、ブッダは悟っていた。この対比(コントラスト)は仏教らしさだろう。

いつもの行きつけのカフェでmacbookを広げて一人で座っていた彼、

身体が弱いということを一切、私には言わなかった。

彼は一切、身の上での辛いことを話さなかった。

彼の作った曲は、死後はパスワードで入れないそうだ。

Mixcloudは彼の曲のために入ったが、彼の曲は消えていた。

退会していないMixcloudの通知は今でも続いている。

Facebookの誕生日通知が来ていて、彼の

年齢だけが増えていた。

私は誕生日の度にタイムラインに毎年書き込みだけしていた。

私自身も旧アカウントと作り直すことになってしまって、彼が見つからない。

亡くなったと聞かされたときに、慌てるように彼の痕跡を探ろうとしたときに、生きている間にしてやれなかった事に焦りを覚えた。今年はそれほど報告出来るような事がなかった。

彼が亡くなってから何年経っても報告することが無かった。

 そして今も彼に伝えたいことがないのである。

何故なら彼が望んでいた未来じゃなかったからだ。

共に語り合った世界、日本の未来展望図は、私は悲観的で、彼には希望があった。

彼が言っていたような世の中にはならなかった。

それでも、彼の魂はこの世を愛してくれるのだろうか、

そう思った。

 信仰の上で、語り合った神や仏の事実を知っているのは死者である。

彼への手紙で私はこう書いた。「あなたは答えのところに行ってしまった」

私達の祈りの言葉よりも心も手も届かない場所、死者は必ず生きている人の

想像を超えてくる。

彼が笑って話したことを思い出す。

「お願い、チャンスが欲しいよ」

聞き流したこの言葉が、このように深く心に残るとは思わなかった。

常に平凡な日常は、一生の傷や格言に成り得る。

若い彼を蝕んだ癌は、あっという間に彼を連れ去っていった。

「私達にチャンスは残っている」

*ご遺族のプライバシー等も考慮して詳細は伏せました。

Assumption of Mary English.Ver

"Was the author of the Book of Revelation really not under the influence, so to speak, of a being who was in conflict with Jesus Christ? of the 'Schatten', as it is called in psychology" C. G. Jung, "The Aion".

A great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head.  She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth.  Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on its heads.  Its tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that it might devour her child the moment he was born. 5She gave birth to a son, a male child, who “will rule all the nations with an iron scepter.”And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne.  The woman fled into the wilderness to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days.

 Then war broke out in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back.  But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven.  The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:

“Now have come the salvation and the power

    and the kingdom of our God,

    and the authority of his Messiah.

For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,

    who accuses them before our God day and night,

    has been hurled down……

Revelation:12

On August 15, 2014, Assumption of the Blessed Virgin,I was baptized as a Catholic. Most people are baptized in the spring at Easter, but this was the only year that the baptismal service was also held in the summer. I had planned to attend a baptismal course with my fiancé at the time, but I went to the church he had chosen in June, just to see what it was like. While I was taking baptism alone, I had to attend a year-long study group, but the priest in charge at the time said he could fit me into the baptismal service in August. I asked my fiancé to let me in without asking for confirmation. At that time I didn’t know if it was an invitation from God or a betrayal, but I didn’t know that my relationship with him would deteriorate.

He intended to continue to love the Bible without being baptized, But I was convinced that he would come later, and I found myself with a bunch of lilies on August 15.

When the Bible reading began, “The temple of God in heaven was opened, and the …… woman was pregnant, but because of the pain and suffering of giving birth to a child, the …… dragon wanted to give birth to a child,” I turned my head and began to I had the chills when the reading started. is Revelation 12, the maiden, and the dragon. The dragon is said to be a heretical being and the woman is the Virgin Mary. This world of Revelation is the end of humanity and is depicted in cryptic prose and lyricism. In this chapter alone, This prefigures the dream of Joseph in Genesis 37, and the Bible itself writes about the beginning and end of the world.

The reason why I was so moved by the story is that the maiden and the dragon is a Jungian archetype, which I also dealt with in my work “Pagaea Doll”, in which I compared it to the dragon legends of East and West. Like the protagonist “Shoko”, I have been pursuing the “virginity of the imagination” since I was a child. As in the story of Borges, one can imagine and still resemble someone else. Without sympathy and admiration, the imagination is wounded, flattered, thirsty and lonely, aging and dying.

When I was painting in my teenage years, I sometimes thought that when I was free to create, I couldn’t find what I wanted to paint because I couldn’t find what I wanted to paint. The world I wanted to paint depends on my capacity to describe it, and I couldn’t even approach it. What I found out, what I might have known if I had studied philosophy, Hadd was already a pioneer in philosophers. It’s always changing my mind, searching for new discoveries. The time when the eye blinks, or the time to fall asleep, the opportunity is unpredictable and even the notebook is not ready. Without any time to think, drawing assignments arrive, study assignments arrive, and I waste my time on dreams.

 When I finally said that I wanted to make a religious painting, the adults did not agree with me, and I set off on a journey to concretize myself, without financial means.

Jung’s “archetypes” are even deeper than Freud’s unconscious: C.G. Jung remarked that Jesus and Mary do not appear directly in dreams as much as church people do. The Sun is Jesus, the Lilies are Mary, and they exist as symbols in the field of collective unconsciousness. Freud did not deny this statement from his own, but said he was having problems with it.I would later learn that Freud was right. Jung’s work is laborious for a man as exhausted as his patient. Myth and faith may have been a fading influence of 19th century science, but even if Jung’s theory was correct, it was probably obvious that neither theology nor religion, or more specifically myth and fable, would become stronger in the 20th and 21st centuries, and that the masses would no longer understand them. That is why the “archetypes” are so isolated from their patients.

I was in primary school when I wrote the story of the dragon. I already had an idea for the story of Shoko’s childhood in “PangaeaDoll”. I knew the book of Revelation chapter 12 from a Bible I found in a Christian friend’s house. I didn’t know what it meant, but it fascinated me as a fantasy story about the dynamism of this wriggling dragon and the obsession with a maiden (the Immaculate Heart of Mary).

What do I want to show? I was looking for a place for the significance of the “something” that was born. Eventually I quit painting because I no longer wanted to be understood, and I lived in my writing. I will live for my existence, even though no one in particular asks me to. In order not to be crushed by others, my thoughts go beyond my language and my imagery and become even more passionate. An inexpressible pain in my chest, my soul dreams of rising. For such a man, the dragon was a symbol of uncontrollable ” Sensation “. It followed the maiden Mary as she fled from the clutches of King Herod. It was such a struggle to have faith or not to have faith. There was doubt and a constant shadow of the Bible. Such is the world of the unconverted. It was always ridged like a serpent and moved with a lot of heat.

The dragon who wanted to eat the maiden (Jesus) seemed to me to be a conflicted baptismal candidate itself. Especially the dragon of chapter 12, which followed Mary, may be so. The Baptist is also a pagan.

Nevertheless, after his baptism in 2014, the maiden and the dragon were not read until today, in 2021. Even the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary festival was not attended after this. Even though they participated in other ordinary Masses and ceremonies. They were not there. For a long time, I never regained the sense of baptism.Part of the reason I wanted to write another track, and also because I had already lost the dragon to my heart. I never thought about grief, a pagan symbol.

Every time I went to mass, I wore a white veil, but after my friend died, I wore a black veil. I began to remove the veil in time, and although I always carried a Bible, I no longer do.

The world I saw after my baptism was a world of grace and solitude waiting for me.  The soul of an artist can only live in his work, and with that revelation in my heart, I had been hopeful, only to find myself on the edge of a cliff.

In 2018, I was standing in front of suicide.

Sound is said to be uninformed, and so is the existential nature of language. The tongue is a background of symbols, on which concepts exist. A concept has a meaning as a word, but it is synthesized by a series of words. The linguistic world is a composite one. Languages are not by themselves. Although you need someone to understand it, it is often not understood.

It was Christianity that clarified why words existed, as John’s Gospel says: “In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God”. Just as in Russia, where there was no clear language in the beginning, language was created as Christianity spread.

The language is isolated. But it is to God, it is the mystery of the word. and I didn’t feel so alone.

Many have said to me, “Why won’t you write free?”

I’ve been asked by many people, but I’ve never answered. I don’t feel lonely with this question any more, because I realize that I don’t need to answer it in particular. What started as giving up is already “freedom”.

The beginning was a painful “freedom”. Baptism did indeed give freedom. The surrogate mother who wiped the holy water dripping from my hair, the priest who celebrated, all those who surrounded me, we will never gather in the same place again. They will never come together again. The bouquet of lilies that I carried at that time is still blooming in my memory, although it has vanished already. The people I loved then, the people I left, the people I met, the sight I saw when I looked up, where I smiled towards, the characters of this moment, my emotions, will never represent my “now” again, they will never come into my sight.

For a long time I wondered whether I should accept this disappearance or leave it as a memory of my baptism again.

After seven years of hesitation, I finally looked back on this time.

Indeed, at the time of my baptism, my soul was joyful.

15 August 2021 

baptismal certificate

WordPress.com でブログを始める.

ページ先頭へ ↑